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Emotional Preparation: From Miss Independent to Mom

From Jennifer’s journal: Hannah is two weeks old, and I’m still feeling like the real parents could walk in any minute, hand me $20, and offer to drive me home. After twenty-eight years of being Independent Jen, I’m suddenly a 24/7 caretaker and it feels odd—not bad, just unfamiliar, like that semester I spent in France trying to fake a decent accent and wishing I’d packed something black. And the magnitude of this parenthood commitment is slowly sinking in. Spontaneously leaving the house seems about as likely as fitting into my prepregnancy work clothes by the end of maternity leave—somewhere in the range of Never Gonna Happen.

In contrast to newborn care and postpartum recovery, my typical work challenges now seem like, well, child’s play. The client needs that report by tomorrow? Calm down, people! There’s no life hanging in the balance here, no physical pain to endure, no hormonal chaos to manage. What have I been stressing out about all these years? Overall, I’m completely in love with Hannah but still shaky on my new role as an actual parent. Just hoping it’ll sink in by Mother’s Day.

Let’s put things in perspective. When we were born, the average female married and became a mother at age twenty-one, and less than 28 percent of new moms worked during year one.1,2,3 Women went from living with family to starting a family at warp speed, often focusing on kids before or instead of careers.

Today, we’re taking time for school, work, regrettable road trips, and volunteering. We’re getting established in our careers, navigating the dating scene, and spending lots of time with friends. And we’re kicking some serious guy butt: Women are now more likely than men to graduate from college, work as professionals, and manage teams.4 Most of our career paths continue well past third stage labor. Over 70 percent of U.S. mothers with children under eighteen work for pay in some capacity, from full-time to freelancing, including the majority of moms year one in Babyville.

We approach parenting with the diligence, planning skills, and sense of adventure we’ve honed during years of work and life experiences. We take classes on breast feeding and infant CPR, we consult friends about strollers, we research child care online, and we read everything ever written on infant sleep. Then our newborns arrive, and we realize we forgot one little detail: preparing for the emotional transition from independent career gal to mom.

Your New Title

Mama. Mommy. Mom. Mother. Does it feel real yet? If not, don’t worry; it’s going to take a little while. “Mom” happens to be a loaded word. Maternal, motherly, childbearing—these terms have lots of obvious connotations, but they don’t initially bring to mind active, accomplished, or adventurous. The institution of motherhood is historically more about aprons than adventures. The Mother’s Day cards you’ve been buying all your life suddenly become personal. That World’s Greatest Mom sweatshirt in the mall is a scary but viable impending gift. You now share more than you care to admit with June Cleaver, and after years of doing your own thing, you begin to wonder if you’re becoming your own mother.

Your New Role in Your Old Worlds

It was tricky enough to feel like yourself at work as your pregnant belly threatened to capsize you; now you get to balance your maternal drive and career drive. Your routines with friends may shift a bit initially as well. The book club meetings, spontaneous coffee runs, and Saturday afternoon yoga classes will be competing with newborn naptimes. And, if you have a significant other in your parenthood picture, you have to get comfortable with your new mom status in the realm of romance. Are you really expected to go straight from breast-feeding in the nursery to flaunting your (admittedly impressive) new mom cleavage in the master bedroom? To transition from maternal goddess to sex goddess faster than you can say Victoria’s Secret? Acquiring citizenship in Babyville can require some matriculation time. Your well-established self-image suddenly expands, and motherhood changes your perspective on everything else—your career, your friendships, your significant other. But as you settle into your new role, you realize the change is good. Sure, things become more complicated, but ultimately you just feel blessed to have this perfect child—plus all the rest. You find a new groove at work; you create new routines with friends; you learn to transition between maternal love and romantic love without requiring therapy. Feel better knowing you are not becoming your mother, and you are not becoming June Cleaver. You are becoming yourself, with a little buddy to accompany you on your adventures in life. And yes, the adventures are only beginning.

Excerpted from 'The Working Gal's Guide to Babyville: Your Must-Have Manual for Life with Baby' by Paige Hobey with Allison Nied, M.D.