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Missed Opportunities

The first response from many clients hearing about this casual airplane encounter is to rattle off possible reasons why this fellow wasn't more forthcoming. Maybe he was tired, or reluctant to start tooting his own horn on an airplane, afraid that he might divulge sensitive information to prying ears, possibly a competitor's. While sometimes that may be true, in this case we were already having a conversation. So the point is, the road traveled by a lackluster self-promoter is paved with missed opportunities. You need to act like your best self even with strangers on airplanes and even when you don't feel like it. Before you quickly slam shut the book claiming this is exactly the reason you didn't go into sales, consider the following: Mr. Telecommunications didn't know who I was.

I might have been a CTO of a company that could have used his consulting services. I might have been a recruiter who could come in handy one day when he'd gotten axed or one who was currently placing a specialist in the hottest new company in Silicon Valley. He didn't know that, in fact, I am a consultant who works with Fortune 500 firms and could possibly introduce him to an executive of a company that could have become a major new account. He never found out.

I wasn't asking him to reveal the location of the Holy Grail. I was simply asking that he tell me more about himself. If he had engaged me and talked about what he did and got me excited about it, I might have been a good future contact. I might have handed him some business. At the very least, I would have remembered his story.

Myth #3:
HUMILITY GETS YOU NOTICED

I've gone to spend a few days with my friend in the hinterlands of western Massachusetts and I find myself in an unlikely place: a tae kwon do class that her five-year-old son is enrolled in. The grand master, a Korean black belt, begins the class by asking the students to recite in unison the five themes by which to live. Lined up in military-style precision, each child exhibiting impeccable posture, they shout:

Self-control!
Honesty!
Perseverance!
Honor!
Humility!

There it is. That last one. Don't brag about yourself. Stating your value and accomplishments is risky because you might come across as pompous or make other people feel uncomfortable. It's safer and much more appealing to be humble and understated. But will you get ahead?

Humility is a virtue with biblical and spiritual roots that is taught the world over. In some areas of the world, such as Asia, humility is prized much the way we in America prize our freedom of speech. Early on we are taught humility for good reason. We haven't developed the social skills to talk about our accomplishments and ourselves gracefully. Instead, as children we blurt out, "My daddy has lots of money," "I'm better than you because. . ." or in the case of my friend's son, "I have more land than anyone," which he proudly proclaimed one morning between mouthfuls of Cheerios as his mother cringed. Our parents and mentors know it's important to squelch this behavior right from the get-go or people aren't going to like us. And they're right.

But the problem is this: Very few of us ever learn how to reconcile the virtue of humility with the need to promote ourselves in the workplace. When education and training do focus on selling ourselves, we're taught to pay the greatest care and attention to our wardrobe, our hair, our hygiene, our table manners, and our résumé. Get those things right, it's a slam dunk! There's very little instruction on selling ourselves with ease and sincerity. Somehow we think if we personalize our message or get too excited, we are not being professional, when in fact this is exactly what makes us effective self-promoters.

Wimping Out

The tug-of-war between showing humility and showcasing our accomplishments is played out daily across working America, even in the brashest of industries. Recently, while conducting a workshop at a major Wall Street investment bank, I asked a group of young men and women to update me on any successes they had experienced since we'd last met when we worked on crafting more compelling sales pitches. From the back of the room, I overheard one guy encouraging Patty, a twenty-six-year-old, perfectly coiffed junior banker to share her success story. Even though she had just landed a $10 million account, Patty seemed reluctant. With prodding from the whole group, she finally stood up. With her eyes directed toward the floor, her shoulders shaped like an orangutan's, and in a whispery voice that barely rose above the white noise of the conference room, she said: