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Jillian St. Charles: Do you need to do a gut check to see if you are being over-sensitive? How do you determine is you really are facing a bully or just being a little tender?
Lois Frankel: You can always check it out with your co-workers. You know you could say, 'you know I had an encounter with this person and here is what happened. Have you ever had a similar experience?' So without saying, 'that person came into my office and was a real jerk,' you just objectively describe the situation and ask if they have had the same experience. Now, I'll tell you that in my experience working in a corporation for over thirty years, if I feel a certain way about someone most other people do too. We are usually not alone in those feelings.
Jillian St. Charles: Do you need to do a gut check to see if you are being over-sensitive? How do you determine is you really are facing a bully or just being a little tender?
Lois Frankel: You can always check it out with your co-workers. You know you could say, 'you know I had an encounter with this person and here is what happened. Have you ever had a similar experience?' So without saying, 'that person came into my office and was a real jerk,' you just objectively describe the situation and ask if they have had the same experience. Now, I'll tell you that in my experience working in a corporation for over thirty years, if I feel a certain way about someone most other people do too. We are usually not alone in those feelings.
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Jillian St. Charles: Is it a good idea to turn to Human Resources for help?
Lois Frankel: Not initially. I think that when you turn to HR for help, you wind up looking as if you don't know how to handle conflicts in the work place. That is not good for your career or your reputation. Also, it really makes the co-worker pretty annoyed. I think that HR is there to help you, but I think it should be a last resort.
Jillian St. Charles: Now, let's talk about the office critic – the one who always has a suggestion about how you could do better even if you haven't asked. How do you stay off the defensive with someone like that?
Lois Frankel: What you do is acknowledge them and thank them for the feedback – period. Don't go for the bait. Just because they are being critical, you don't have to take that on as they are being critical of you. A critic is a critic because of their need to be that way. And you really need to distance yourself from that behavior. The way that you deal with it is to simply say, 'thank you for the input. I appreciate it and let me think about it,' and that's it. What you don't want to do is escalate it. You don't want to get into a spitting match around it. You want to show respect for the person, but if they are always that way then you just kind of blow them off.
Jillian St. Charles: So there is never a reason to offer in return your own suggestions for improvement?
Lois Frankel: Not in that moment. It sounds as if you are asking me that if someone comes into my office and suggest to you that you should have done something a different way. At that moment, I am not going to turn around and suggest that they should have done something a different way. That just escalates it. Now there is a guideline around giving people feedback –and this is for people who are not bosses because if someone is a boss then it is a whole different story. If I've got a co-worker and I see them doing something that is getting in the way of being successful, you ask permission to give the feedback. You say, 'I saw you do something in the meeting the other day that I think you could do differently and if you would like some feedback around it, I'd be happy to give it to you.' Now most people will of course say, 'yes, give it to me.' But by asking permission you really set it up to show respect for the other person and to make sure that it is a good time for them. Because someone might say, 'I really would love to hear but right now is not a good time.' This is a way for you to offer your feedback but not at the same time that someone is giving you feedback.
Lois Frankel: Not initially. I think that when you turn to HR for help, you wind up looking as if you don't know how to handle conflicts in the work place. That is not good for your career or your reputation. Also, it really makes the co-worker pretty annoyed. I think that HR is there to help you, but I think it should be a last resort.
Jillian St. Charles: Now, let's talk about the office critic – the one who always has a suggestion about how you could do better even if you haven't asked. How do you stay off the defensive with someone like that?
Lois Frankel: What you do is acknowledge them and thank them for the feedback – period. Don't go for the bait. Just because they are being critical, you don't have to take that on as they are being critical of you. A critic is a critic because of their need to be that way. And you really need to distance yourself from that behavior. The way that you deal with it is to simply say, 'thank you for the input. I appreciate it and let me think about it,' and that's it. What you don't want to do is escalate it. You don't want to get into a spitting match around it. You want to show respect for the person, but if they are always that way then you just kind of blow them off.
Jillian St. Charles: So there is never a reason to offer in return your own suggestions for improvement?
Lois Frankel: Not in that moment. It sounds as if you are asking me that if someone comes into my office and suggest to you that you should have done something a different way. At that moment, I am not going to turn around and suggest that they should have done something a different way. That just escalates it. Now there is a guideline around giving people feedback –and this is for people who are not bosses because if someone is a boss then it is a whole different story. If I've got a co-worker and I see them doing something that is getting in the way of being successful, you ask permission to give the feedback. You say, 'I saw you do something in the meeting the other day that I think you could do differently and if you would like some feedback around it, I'd be happy to give it to you.' Now most people will of course say, 'yes, give it to me.' But by asking permission you really set it up to show respect for the other person and to make sure that it is a good time for them. Because someone might say, 'I really would love to hear but right now is not a good time.' This is a way for you to offer your feedback but not at the same time that someone is giving you feedback.
