The following stories illustrate how unhooking works from start to finish. Read about Glenn and Tom. See how they discover that they are hooked, and how they unhook from their challenging situations. Then conduct your own unhooking exercise using the assessment at the end of this chapter.

Glenn’s Story

Glenn is a senior software designer for a West Coast software company. His life changed the day his boss, Arthur, left the company for a new position. Arthur’s hands-off management style really worked for Glenn. Arthur allowed Glenn to design new software programs with minimal interference. Together they produced a wide range of new products.

Arthur’s replacement, Mike, works very differently. Within the first week of his arrival, the new VP of software development meets with Glenn. “I believe in hands-on management,” Mike explains. “I don’t accept sloppy work and I require detailed daily reports from my employees regarding the status of their projects.”

At the end of each business day, Mike insists on meeting with Glenn to go over his report, point by point. He questions Glenn regarding the design decisions he makes. Glenn is appalled to find himself defending his software models.

After just one month under Mike’s management style, Glenn feels tired, irritated, undermined, and frustrated. His new boss is driving him crazy. Glenn believes that the reports are a waste of his time, and he resents having to justify his design choices. “I’m so busy substantiating my work, I’m not able to accomplish anything.” For several weeks, Glenn obsesses about his new situation. He can’t stop thinking about Mike, talking about Mike, complaining about Mike. In his mind, he plays and replays imagined conversations where he summons the courage to tell Mike off and prove him wrong.

Glenn talks about Mike to his wife for hours. When his wife can’t listen anymore he calls his best friend, Hal. Even Glenn’s running buddy, Fitz, gets an earful. Finally, Glenn’s fifteen-year-old son walks into the living room and casually remarks, “Dad, you’re out of control. This guy Mike is running your life. Chill out.”

In that moment, Glenn realizes he’s hooked. His negative feelings and thoughts about his new manager are making him miserable. Before Mike became his boss, Glenn enjoyed his work and appreciated his employer. Now he constantly feels frustrated and upset. Instead of focusing on Mike’s shortcomings, Glenn decides to try changing his own reaction first. He begins the unhooking process.

Unhook physically: Glenn goes for a really long run. This time, he runs by himself. Instead of obsessing about Mike, he focuses on releasing pent-up energy and clearing his mind.

Unhook mentally: After his run, Glenn sits down and takes an inventory of his situation:

* What’s happening here? I have a new boss, and I don’t like his management style.

* What are the facts? Mike insists on daily meetings and regular reports. I consider these a waste of my time.

* What’s his part? Mike believes in hands-on management, and he won’t let me do things the way I used to.

* What’s my part? I don’t like change and I refuse to see the value in Mike’s approach to designing software.

* What are my options? I can continue to be unhappy with Mike’s style, or I can give it a chance. I can also look for another job.

After taking the inventory, Mike admits to himself that even though he and Arthur created a lot of imaginative software, each program usually contained numerous bugs. These design glitches took months to solve before the software could be mass-produced.

Glenn decides that he can at least experiment with Mike’s more cautious approach to software development. For the next few months, he can adjust his attitude about the daily status meetings. He can adhere to Mike’s method and see if it generates positive results. If Glenn is still unhappy after three months, he can circulate his résumé.

Unhook verbally: Glenn finds the words to let Mike know he’s ready to really cooperate. “I respect your desire to create a higher-quality product. It’s taking me a while to get used to the new routine, but I’m behind you.”

Unhook with a business tool: Glenn meets with Mike every day for three months and goes over his reports. As the quality of his work improves and the bugs disappear, he asks Mike if they can meet a little less frequently—weekly rather than daily—so that he has more time to design software.