Continued from Page 1
Tom's Story
Unhook physically: Tom takes a brisk walk around campus. He starts to have a conversation with himself. He’s tired of feeling bullied by Denise. He needs to sort through his options. Unhook mentally: Tom takes an inventory of his situation:
* What’s happening here? I got promoted and my former coworker is treating me poorly.
* What are the facts of the situation? I am her boss. She reports to me. She was my friend. Now she won’t talk to me.
* What is her part? She’s angry and treating me with contempt.
Tom's Story
For ten years, Tom has worked as a reference librarian for a top university. Recently, he received a promotion to director of the entire reference department. As soon as Tom assumed his new position, Denise, his coworker of many years, began to act strangely toward him. Before the promotion, they enjoyed a warm friendship. But now Denise is cold and icy.
Denise won’t talk to Tom or look in his direction. At lunch, she sits with her back to him. At meetings, she glares when he asks her a question. For reasons Tom doesn’t understand, his former friend resents him and treats him with contempt.
Afraid of exacerbating the situation, Tom responds to Denise’s cold shoulder by avoiding her. He begins to dread going to work. One day, Tom walks by Denise and George, another reference librarian. He overhears Denise putting him down. “Tom is a study in incompetent leadership. I could run the department more efficiently with my eyes closed.”
Tom feels his blood boil. He wants to kill Denise. He imagines himself “accidentally” pushing a bookcase on top of her. He realizes that he is totally hooked by her hostile behavior. Instead of acting out his violent fantasy, Tom leaves the building and begins to unhook.
Unhook physically: Tom takes a brisk walk around campus. He starts to have a conversation with himself. He’s tired of feeling bullied by Denise. He needs to sort through his options. Unhook mentally: Tom takes an inventory of his situation:
* What’s happening here? I got promoted and my former coworker is treating me poorly.
* What are the facts of the situation? I am her boss. She reports to me. She was my friend. Now she won’t talk to me.
* What is her part? She’s angry and treating me with contempt.
Keeping Your Sanity
'Working With You Is Killing Me' is a guide that advices people to focus on themselves and their work instead of trying to manage the difficult people in the office.
- Buy 'Working With You Is Killing Me'
- Find Out What it Means to 'Manage Up'
- Find More On Katherine & Kathi
- Find More Business and Career Advice
- Check Out K Squared Enterprises' Web Site
More Tips and Advice from AOL Coaches
* What’s my part? I’m afraid to confront her. By remaining silent, I tacitly permit her unprofessional behavior.
* What are my options? I can continue to let her terrorize me, or I can start setting boundaries by clarifying the behaviors that are acceptable and unacceptable to me.
After taking the inventory, Tom establishes that he’s been allowing Denise to control their relationship. Technically, he is her boss. He has the power to confront her rude conduct. His silence allows Denise to continue acting out.
Unhook verbally: Tom returns to the library, walks up to Denise, and says, “We need to talk. Meet me in a half hour in my office.” If Denise challenges him he can say, “This meeting isn’t optional. I’ll see you in my office.”
Unhook with a business tool: Back in his office, Tom sits down and begins to document specific incidents during the past two weeks where Denise refused to answer him, ridiculed him in front of coworkers, or withheld information. He prints up a copy for both of them. When Denise arrives for their meeting, he hands her the list. He clearly states his position: “This is what I’ve experienced in the last couple of weeks from you. It’s unacceptable behavior. I’m going to put this document in your HR file. It will be part of your permanent record unless you improve within the next week.” Tom completes the meeting by saying, “We’ve gotten along well in the past. I’d like to return to having a positive work environment here.”
Putting It All Together—Your Personal Unhooking Assessment
Now it’s your turn to practice unhooking. Pick one person or situation in your workplace that has you hooked, and complete the following assessment.
1. Describe the overall situation. Who is involved and what keeps happening?
2. List the symptoms you’re exhibiting that indicate you’re hooked:
Physical: How is your body reacting? Where is the discomfort?
Emotional: What uncomfortable feelings are you experiencing?
Mental: What thoughts are invading your day-to-day activities?
3. Unhook:
Physically: List the actions you can take to release energy and calm down your body.
Mentally: Take a mental inventory of your situation:
• What’s happening here?
• What are the facts of the situation?
• What’s their part?
• What’s my part?
• What are my options?
Verbally: What can you say that will resolve the problem rather than perpetuate it?
Business tool: What business tools can depersonalize this challenging situation and provide ways to track events and measure performance?
Repeat this process with each hook you encounter.
UNHOOKING AT A GLANCE Warning Signs That You May Be Hooked Physical -- clenched teeth, stiff neck, tension headaches, tight chest, overheating, chills, stomach pain or nausea, shortness of breath, tingling arms, backaches, muscle spasms, facial twitches, insomnia, or fatigue Emotional—anger, fear, panic, anxiety, embarrassment, confusion, depression, repulsion, helplessness, or despair Mental -- bsessive thinking, spacing out, constant distraction, paranoia, revenge fantasies, forgetfulness, or an inability to concentrate Four-Pronged Unhooking Technique Unhook physically: Breathe, exercise, calm and release your physical energy. Unhook mentally: Ask yourself, “What’s happening here?” Stick to the facts. Unhook verbally: Decide what you will say to resolve the problem. Unhook with a business tool: Scan your business toolbox and pick the best one.
Excerpt from 'Working With You Is Killing Me.' Copyright © 2006 by Katherine Crowley and Kathi Elster
* What are my options? I can continue to let her terrorize me, or I can start setting boundaries by clarifying the behaviors that are acceptable and unacceptable to me.
After taking the inventory, Tom establishes that he’s been allowing Denise to control their relationship. Technically, he is her boss. He has the power to confront her rude conduct. His silence allows Denise to continue acting out.
Unhook verbally: Tom returns to the library, walks up to Denise, and says, “We need to talk. Meet me in a half hour in my office.” If Denise challenges him he can say, “This meeting isn’t optional. I’ll see you in my office.”
Unhook with a business tool: Back in his office, Tom sits down and begins to document specific incidents during the past two weeks where Denise refused to answer him, ridiculed him in front of coworkers, or withheld information. He prints up a copy for both of them. When Denise arrives for their meeting, he hands her the list. He clearly states his position: “This is what I’ve experienced in the last couple of weeks from you. It’s unacceptable behavior. I’m going to put this document in your HR file. It will be part of your permanent record unless you improve within the next week.” Tom completes the meeting by saying, “We’ve gotten along well in the past. I’d like to return to having a positive work environment here.”
Putting It All Together—Your Personal Unhooking Assessment
Now it’s your turn to practice unhooking. Pick one person or situation in your workplace that has you hooked, and complete the following assessment.
1. Describe the overall situation. Who is involved and what keeps happening?
2. List the symptoms you’re exhibiting that indicate you’re hooked:
Physical: How is your body reacting? Where is the discomfort?
Emotional: What uncomfortable feelings are you experiencing?
Mental: What thoughts are invading your day-to-day activities?
3. Unhook:
Physically: List the actions you can take to release energy and calm down your body.
Mentally: Take a mental inventory of your situation:
• What’s happening here?
• What are the facts of the situation?
• What’s their part?
• What’s my part?
• What are my options?
Verbally: What can you say that will resolve the problem rather than perpetuate it?
Business tool: What business tools can depersonalize this challenging situation and provide ways to track events and measure performance?
Repeat this process with each hook you encounter.
UNHOOKING AT A GLANCE Warning Signs That You May Be Hooked Physical -- clenched teeth, stiff neck, tension headaches, tight chest, overheating, chills, stomach pain or nausea, shortness of breath, tingling arms, backaches, muscle spasms, facial twitches, insomnia, or fatigue Emotional—anger, fear, panic, anxiety, embarrassment, confusion, depression, repulsion, helplessness, or despair Mental -- bsessive thinking, spacing out, constant distraction, paranoia, revenge fantasies, forgetfulness, or an inability to concentrate Four-Pronged Unhooking Technique Unhook physically: Breathe, exercise, calm and release your physical energy. Unhook mentally: Ask yourself, “What’s happening here?” Stick to the facts. Unhook verbally: Decide what you will say to resolve the problem. Unhook with a business tool: Scan your business toolbox and pick the best one.
