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Mindful Eating and Relationships
The quality and depth of your relationships with the important people in your life are often good indicators of, and parallel to, your relationship with food. It can be useful to think about your interactions with food using "relationship" terms, because eating is an inescapable part of your daily routine. You make decisions every day about how much priority and attention to give to food in ways that may be similar to how you balance the priorities and attention you give to partners, family, and friends. The way you eat may reflect the nature of your relationships with people. For example, if you are a chronic dieter and you feel your worth is inseparable from your weight, your relationships may not have much depth. Or, if you restrict and avoid certain foods, your relationships are more likely to be more superficial, sometimes even one-dimensional, which leaves you feeling isolated and disconnected.
For example, Janet described her relationship to food to be like that of a defendant in a continual "court trial." With each bite, she felt compelled to present all the nutritional reasons why she "should" be allowed to eat it, in order to convince the invisible jury in her head that she wouldn't become fat from eating it. She interacted with friends in a suspiciously similar manner. Janet felt guilty saying "no" to anyone, and spent agonizing hours trying to make a simple decision about going somewhere with a friend.
Skill Builder: Stop Food Fights Be mindful of the significance of food in your life and how that also may describe your relationships. How would you characterize your relationship to food? Is it a secret love affair occurring in quiet, hidden places? Do you keep your food and eating habits a secret from those around you? Or, is it a love/hate relationship? Do the foods you crave lead you to despise yourself after you have surrendered to their pleasure? Is food a reliable "friend" when you need it, or a constant "enemy" you try to avoid and/or conquer? Describe your current relationship with food, and think about the kind of relationship you would like it to become. Aim for a friendship or partnership that is even, fair, open to communication, and constantly negotiating the competing needs of your body and mind.
Relationships May Trigger Mindless EatingBuddha said, "An insincere and evil friend is to be more feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind." This saying succinctly captures how harmful a bad relationship can be to your state of mind and sense of well-being. Interpersonal problems are notoriously guilty of limiting one's ability to live and act mindfully. People can become caught in constant worry about the state of their relationships. Questions like, "Do people like me?" and "What do they think of me?" may be in the forefront of your mind. Relationship difficulties can consume you, and keep you from focusing on the task at hand, which is being present for the important people in your life and really enjoying life.
One frequently asked question goes, "If my body isn't really attractive, will people like me?" It is true that many people often make their first judgments based on appearances. But real relationships are based on far more substantial connections. When you are truly mindful of your relationships, you examine people from a
holistic approach. You are appreciative of all aspects of who they are. Mindfulness doesn't value anyone because of their past or future. Rather, it values people for who they are in the present moment. Get in touch with your reactions, and with what you "sense" and "feel" in a friend's presence, as opposed to what you "know" about him or her in the past, or think about who he/she will be in the future.
People with eating issues are often people pleasers. People pleasers care a lot about making others happy, often at the expense of their own well-being. People pleasing inhibits mindfulness because you are always anticipating how people will react as opposed to being fully present, and making decisions based on what you sense and feel in the moment, instead of thinking things through.
