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Mindfully Imperfect
Julie didn't think she had any food issues or problems. She was a perfectionist, and, on the surface, everything in her life seemed to be perfect. Except it wasn't. She had received stellar grades in school, found an excellent job, and won the admiration of her peers. But she was constantly unhappy about her body, and practiced never-ending self-disapproval. Her self-criticism plagued her thoughts and prevented her from appreciating all that she had accomplished.
Feeling bad about yourself is a common source of mindless eating. A poor self-image usually begins early in life and is fostered by a variety of life experiences. Acting "perfectly" often results in attention, validation, and praise. Whether it's straight A's, or a toned body, living up to extremely high standards is praised and envied by others. This can create the illusion that everything is okay. But the consequences of trying to live up to unrealistically high standards for your body are that you may spend your life in misery, and believe you are a "failure," despite whatever else you accomplish.
If you look beneath your obsessive concerns about your appearance, you may find that you really fear the possibility that you are not "good" enough or "smart" enough or "interesting enough" to win others' interest or approval. Or you may find that you don't want to let others into your life at all. You can hide more easily behind a "perfect" appearance. Having a great body is one aspect of seeming to "have it all together." Typically, perfectionism in any area of your life may intensify your desire to have a "perfect body." But the need for perfection can be a trap that keeps you from enjoying your life and being proud of your accomplishments.
Skill Builder: Striving for Mindful ImperfectionAre you a perfectionist? Do you catch yourself saying things to yourself (or others) like "I'm not good enough" or "People won't like me if I make mistakes," or "I have to be the very best"? Think about where such unrealistic expectations of yourself originated. Did your parents pressure you to succeed, or is this need to be the best self-inflicted? To feel good about yourself, do you depend on praise from others?
- If you answered "yes" to the questions above, consider the "cost" of perfectionism, particularly in terms of your heath, and the wear and tear of stress on your emotional well-being. Learn how to weigh the costs and benefits of doing your best as opposed to striving for unobtainable perfection.
- Develop a list of your expectations and goals. Evaluate how "realistic" each one is.
- Intentionally do something imperfectly on a small scale, and evaluate what happens.
- Be mindful of the processes, instead of the outcomes.
- If you feel you've "messed up" or had a difficult eating day, remember the broader scope of your life. Make a list of your positive qualities and achievements (finishing your degree, your talent for writing, taking care of your two babies, the way you care for other people, etc.). This may sound like a simplistic, trite exercise, but sometimes, when you feel as if nothing is going right for you, you may need a tangible reminder that you are okay and that you've accomplished a lot in your life.
After you make your list, hang it up where you can see it when you need it. When you are sad and blue, it is easier to wallow in negatives than to remember the positives about yourself. If you can't identify your own positives, make a list with a friend. Or, create a list for each other. Give a copy to your friend and call him or her when you need a reminder from the outside world. Someone who can remind you of your strengths should be a treasured friend.
Excerpted from 'Eating Mindfully' by Susan Albers, Psy.D. Copyright© 2003 by Susan Albers, Psy.D. Excerpted by permission of New Harbinger Publications, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
