As bleak and insurmountable as the sexual abyss may seem at times -- and we all know it can feel that way, to both the men who worry that their sex lives effectively over, and the to the women who secretly wish that it was -- it is possible to emerge on the other side of these challenging pre-school years with your sex life more or less intact. For women, this means making a concentrated effort towards improving your sex life. For men, this means pitching in domestically, giving your wife some time to gear up and bringing back a taste of the hunt.
“If you’re telling me sex is what I have to do to keep my marriage intact, fine. I’m willing to listen. I love my husband and I want him to be happy and I want our relationship to be better. But there has to be more to it than either that old-fashioned ‘wifely duty’ way of thinking, or him just rolling over because I’m there in bed. I was an independent, fully-evolved human being before we got married and had kids. It’s not like that’s just evaporated. I want to want sex again, but for myself as well as for him.”
--Karen, married 8 years, 2 kids.
“Tell me what I have to do. Please! I don’t know how to talk to her about it anymore. I don’t know how to get her to listen. What can I do? Make me a list! I’m begging you. I’ll do anything.”
--Mike married 5 years, 2 kids.
When to Talk and How to Talk
One of the goals of this book is to get you talking to each other. When and how you talk is just as important as what you talk about. Is there ever a right time for a husband to tell his wife that he is not getting enough, or for a wife to tell her husband that he is not doing enough? There is definitely a wrong time: 11:00 p.m. on a Tuesday when you’ve just argued about who would put the trash out; or 11:10 p.m. on a Tuesday when the husband’s “paw” is firmly returned to his side of the bed. It should be somewhat obvious that this conversation should start on a date night, or a weekend away when you’re feeling loving towards each other and the daily stresses are not weighing you down. If you’re not sure how to start talking, hand this book to your spouse and say, “What do you think?”
One caveat here: if communication, or lack thereof, is so bad already, then forget about the talking and take
action immediately. After a few weeks you will likely find that your other half is a lot more receptive to whatever it is you want to say.
Tried True and Easy to Do
There’s also a whole host of little things that actually mean a lot. Some of them are absolutely free; others require a babysitter and a hotel room (not together).
1. Start Smoochin’? Reestablish SGIs
Both men and women talked to us about how they missed the small gestures of intimacy like hugging and kissing that disappeared along with regular sex. Once they understood the reasons it had dissipated in their own relationship, Ross and Stacie decided to
hug and kiss every day. Preferably in front of their children. These hugs and kisses are given and received without any expectation for sex later on. We’ve all now adopted this strategy with great results. It’s a simple, no-cost thing you can do to physically demonstrate your affection for each other.
“What guy with half a brain doesn’t enjoy kissing? Why did we ever stop? And now I learn that kissing my wife without always expecting sex can score me big points and get me in the saddle more often? Talk about a no-brainer!”
--Randy, married 8 years, 3 kids
2. Have a Date Night. Have a Date Night. Have a Date Night.
(We’re trying some hypnotherapy here to actually get you to do this…)
How many times have you heard this advice? How often do you actually do it? You gotta do it! Couples who reported higher satisfaction with their post-baby sex lives were unanimous in their opinion that regular date nights kept them connected in an intimate, adult way more than anything else they did. As Kimberly put it, “The point is not which movie you see, or where you go to eat. All that matters is that you have some ‘alone time’ together.” If sitters are too expensive, alternate nights with some friends who can watch your kids. We even heard tell of Date Nights that have occurred in the couple’s home. Two candles, one table cloth, one bottle of wine, zero electronic gadgets turned on and zero children awake officially add up to a date night. (Note: dinner itself can be takeout.)
Continued ...Excerpted from 'Babyproofing Your Marriage' by Stacie Cockrell, Cathy O'Neill & Julia Stone. Copyright© 2007 by Stacie Cockrell, Cathy O'Neill & Julia Stone. Excerpted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
