It's hard for us to listen to our teenager express their confusion or resentment or disappointment or discouragement. We can't bear to see them unhappy. So it's with the best of intentions that we dismiss their feelings and impose our adult logic. We want to show them the "right" way to feel.

And yet, it's our listening that can give the greatest comfort. It’s our acceptance of their unhappy feelings that can make it easier for our kids to cope with them.

"Oh boy!" Jim exclaimed at one of our workshops. "If my wife were here tonight, she'd say, "See, that's what I've been trying to tell you. Don't give me logic. Don't ask all those questions. Don't tell me what I did wrong or what I should do next time. Just listen!'"

"You know what I realize?" Karen said. "Most of the time I do listen -- to everyone except my kids. If one of my friends were upset, I wouldn't dream of telling her what to do. But with my kids it's a whole other story. I move right in. Maybe it's because I'm listening to them as a parent. And as a parent, I feel I have to fix things."

"That’s the big challenge," I said. "To shift our thinking from 'how do I fix things?' to 'how do I enable my kids to fix things for themselves?'"

What Worries Me ...

In our parenting workshop, little by little, people began to voice their current anxieties about their children:

"What concerns me is my son's new attitude. He doesn't want to live by anyone's rules. He's a rebel. Same as I was at 15. But I hid it. He's out in the open. Insists on pushing the envelope."

"My daughter is only 12, but her ego craves acceptance, especially from boys. I'm afraid that one day she'll put herself in a compromising position, just to be popular."

"I worry about my son's schoolwork. He's not applying himself anymore. I don't know if he's too into sports or just being lazy."

"All my son seems to care about now are his new friends and being cool. I don't like him hanging out with them. I think they’re a bad influence."

"My daughter is like two different people. Outside the house she's a doll -- sweet, pleasant, polite. But at home, forget it. The minute I tell her she can't do something or have something, she gets nasty."

"Sounds like my daughter. The only one she gets nasty with is her new stepmother. It's a very tense situation –- especially when we're all together for the weekend."

"I worry about the whole teen scene. Kids these days don't know what they're smoking or drinking. I've heard too many stories about parties where guys slip drugs into a girl's drink and about date rape."

The air was heavy with the group's collective anxiety.

Karen laughed nervously. "Well now that we know what the problems are –- quick, we need some answers!"

"There are no quick answers," I said. "Not with today's teenagers. You can't protect them from all the dangers in today's world, or spare them the emotional turmoil of their adolescent years, or get rid of a pop culture that bombards them with unwholesome messages. But if you can create the kind of climate in your home where your kids feel free to express their feelings, there's a good chance they'll be more open to hearing your feelings. More willing to consider your adult perspective. More able to accept your restraints. More likely to be protected by your values."


A Quick Reminder
Acknowledge Your Teenager's Feelings:

Teen: Oh no! What'll I do? I told the Gordons I'd babysit for them Saturday, and now Lisa called and invited me to her sleepover!

Parent: What you should do is …

Instead of dismissing your teen's feelings and giving advice:

Identify thoughts and feelings: "Sounds as if you're pulled in two directions. You want to go to Lisa's, but you don't want to disappoint the Gordons."

Acknowledge feelings with a word or sound: "Uhh!"

Give in fantasy what you can't give in reality: "Wouldn’t it be great if you could clone yourself! One of you could babysit and the other could go to the sleepover."

Accept feelings as you redirect behavior: "I hear how much you'd rather go to Lisa's. The problem is, you gave the Gordons your word. They're counting on you."

Excerpted from Chapter One of 'How To Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk' (HarperCollins) by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.