Continued From Page 1If you are going to set boundaries, negotiate, be respected as an adult, or accomplish any of the changes you want to bring about with your family, you need to get your body language right. Get this aspect of communication right and your life will become easier. Get it wrong and these nonverbal signals will undermine everything else you try to do.
I first learned these signals from Nanci Newton, who worked at a domestic violence shelter while studying primatology at the University of Wisconsin. A petite woman, Newton not only had to negotiate with devilishly difficult families, at times she had to toss abusive husbands out of the center. Rather than wrestle with someone who might outweigh her by a hundred pounds, she would turn on her gorilla signals and walk the surly man out the door.
Here, we'll cover three types of signals:
- Authority signals. The ace-in-the-hole of your tiny grandmother and the uncle whom everyone respects. This is what you want.
- Belligerence signals. Aggressive gestures designed to either scare people or provoke fights. This is what you don't want.
- Submissive signals. These are the gestures of the frightened, timid ape. These signals can get you run over, even by little children.
Authority Signals
Authoritative posture is calm and direct. You stand with upright good posture, and direct a level, steady gaze at the other person. If that person scares you, never let it show. Look between his eye brows, if his eyes are too intimidating. He won't be able to tell the difference.
Take all the emotion off your face and relax your hands. Don't sprawl, but take up all the room you need. If you need to convey maturity and authority, don't smile. Check out pictures of Nobel Prize winners: at the pinnacle of their careers, one of the happiest moments in their lives, they're not smiling. That's the face of authority.
Keep your voice low and resonant. If you have a naturally high, breathy voice, work on your low register. Children have high, breathy voices, and you have to make it known that you're not a child anymore.
Authority signals include:
- Upright posture
- Facing the other person directly, with no part of your body turned away
- Comfortable, steady stance
- Expressionless face
- Low, resonant voice
Think of all the American icons of authority: the judge, the gunfighter, Superman. They plant their feet firmly on the ground, make eye contact with a clear gaze, show little emotion, and stay rather still. They don't sprawl or look up at the ceiling.
If you need to set a boundary, speak up for yourself, or make an apology, do it while holding the authority posture.
Belligerence SignalsThese are the intimidating cues of a bully. Think of a snarling pit bull: the jaw juts out, a ridge of muscle lowers over the eyes, and the growl comes out in a low, guttural snarl. These are the signals of a dangerous dog about to bite. Bullies depend on these cues to do half their work. But just because they send these signals doesn't mean they're actually impressive; they'd just like you to think so.
Bullies, after all, are often bluffing. In apes, full belligerence is not necessarily the sign of the ape in control; often, it's more the ape concerned about losing status. The dominant ape who is completely unchallenged does the calm, steady stance, not the snarling belligerence.
