At one of our workshops, Joan raised her hand. "My mother could never, ever, have brought up any of these topics with me. She would have died of embarrassment. She did do one thing, though. When I was about 12, she gave me a book about the 'facts of life.' I pretended I wasn't interested, but I read it from cover to cover. And whenever my girlfriends came over, we'd close the bedroom door, take out 'The Book,' read it again, and giggle over all the pictures."

"What I like about a book," Jim said, "is that it gives the kid a little privacy -- a chance to look over the material without someone looking over his shoulder. But no book is going to be a substitute for a parent. Kids want to know what their parents think. What their parents expect of them."

"That’s the part that worries me," Laura said. "The 'expect' part. I mean, if you’re talking to your kids about sex and giving them books about it with pictures, won't they get the idea that you expect them to be having sex and that they've got your permission?"

"Not at all," Michael said. "Not if you make it clear that what you're giving them is information, not permission. Besides, it seems to me that if we don't give our kids some basic facts, we could be putting them at risk. If there's anything we believe they should know for their own protection, the only way we can ever be sure they'll know it is to give them the information ourselves."

Suppose Your Teen Is Using Drugs?

Laura's hand shot up. "So far all we've been talking about is how to steer our kids away from using drugs. But what if a kid is already using stuff? I mean, what if it's too late?"

"It's never too late to exercise your power as a parent," I said. "Even if it's a onetime only 'experiment,' it can't be ignored. You need to confront your teenager, review the risks, and reaffirm your values and expectations.

"If, however, you suspect that your teenager is already using drugs with some frequency, if you notice changes in behavior, grades, appearance, attitude, friends, sleeping patterns, or eating habits, then it's time to take action: Let your child know what you've observed. Listen to his or her side of the story. Learn whatever you can about what's really going on. Call a local or national drug abuse program for additional information. Consult with your doctor. Investigate whatever services are available in your community that can offer professional counseling and treatment. In other words, get help. You can't do it alone.


A Quick Reminder
Sex and Drugs

Instead of One Big Lecture ("I know you think you know all about sex and drugs, but I think it's time we had a talk"), look for small opportunities to get a conversation going.

Listening to the radio: "Do you think what that psychologist said just now is right? Do kids have a hard time refusing drugs because they don't want to look geeky or lose friends?"

Watching television: "So, according to this commercial, all a girl has to do to get a guy interested in her is wear the right color lip gloss."

Reading a magazine: "What do you think of this? It says here, 'Sometime kids take drugs just to feel good. But then they have to use drugs -- just to feel normal.'"

Watching a movie: "Did that last scene seem realistic? Would two teenagers who just met jump into bed together?"

Reading a newspaper: "When you have time, take a look at this article about teens and binge-drinking. I'd be interested in your reaction."

Listening to music: "How do you feel about these lyrics? Do you think they could affect the way guys treat girls?"

Excerpted from Chapter Eight of 'How To Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk' (HarperCollins) by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.