Please keep in mind that none of the communication skills we discuss work all the time. There are no magic words that apply to every teenager in every situation. That's why it’s important to be familiar with a variety of skills. However, as you look through these pages, you'll see that the basic principle underlying all of these examples is respect. It is our respectful attitude and respectful language that make it possible for our teenagers to hear us and cooperate.

During one of our workshops, a father who was new to the group and who hadn't spoken before raised his hand. "Hi, I'm Tony, and I know I probably should keep my mouth shut because I wasn't here last week. But to me [your previous] examples only show how to handle the ordinary, everyday small stuff -- a dirty backpack, a ripped shirt, bad table manners. I came here tonight because I thought I was going to find out how to deal with the kind of things teenagers do that worry the hell out of their parents -- like smoking, drinking, having sex, taking drugs."

"Those are major worries today," I agreed. "But it's how we handle the 'ordinary, everyday small stuff' that lays the groundwork for handling the 'big stuff.' It's how we deal with the dirty backpack or the ripped shirt or bad table manners that can either improve a relationship or worsen it. It's how we respond to our children's ups and downs that can cause them to pull away from us or to draw closer. It's how we react to what they've done or haven't done that can either stir up resentment or create trust and strengthen their connection to us. And sometimes it is only that connection that can keep our teenagers safe. When they're tempted, conflicted, or confused, they'll know where to turn for guidance. When the unwholesome voices in pop culture call to them, they'll have another voice inside their heads -- yours -- with your values, your love, your faith in them."


A Quick Reminder
To Engage a Teenager's Cooperation

Instead of ordering ("Turn that music down! And I mean now!!"), you can:

Describe the problem: "I can't think or have a conversation with the music blasting."

Describe what you feel: "It hurts my ears."

Give information: "Frequent exposure to loud sound can damage a person’s hearing."

Offer a choice: "What would you rather do -- turn the volume way down or lower it a little and close your door?"

Say it in a word: "The volume!"

State your values and/or expectations: We need to tune in to each other’s tolerance for loud music."

Do the unexpected: Put your hands to your ears, make a motion of turning the volume down, place palms together, and bow in a gesture of gratitude.

Put it in writing: Music this loud / May be cool for a crowd / But for just me and you / It is much too, too / LOUD!!!

Excerpted from Chapter Two of 'How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk' (HarperCollins) by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.