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A Spiritual Core

The third essential truth is that a content woman, one who is at ease with herself regardless of how busy her life is, must stay connected to her spiritual core. Whether it comes from religion, family, exercise, or somewhere else doesn't matter—every woman needs a place to retreat to when her soul cries out for nourishment. I think of the spiritual core as that unspoken place in a woman's heart where her spirit lives. It's the place where I talk to God; it's the place a person goes to when she wants to hear the truth. It's a peaceful, comforting, endlessly giving place, and we can all find it—it sometimes just gets buried in clutter! I am privileged to have grown up with a strong sense of God, which helps me deal with my daily struggles. But if you feel this is a void in your life, don't despair! This book will share with you ways to find that core of serenity, from reaching out to other parents to reconnecting with your extended family to pursuing an old hobby or letting yourself sink into the psychological peace of yoga practice. You owe it to yourself to focus on finding the way to your own heart. These three core wisdoms—that I am not supermom, that I am important as a woman first and then as a wife and mother, and that I must make time to nourish my spiritual center—underlie the many stories and tips in this book. I believe that every woman, regardless of how many roles she juggles, not only has the power to be in control of her life but has the innate ability to pull it all off with great aplomb and joy.

Lessons Learned

Often when people first meet me—at social gatherings or my children’s school or in the grocery store—they ask me for advice on how I manage my ever-growing brood and still remain so sane and fit. "You make everything look so easy," they say. "Do you have a secret?" When I respond, "There’s no secret," most people don’t believe it. They look at their own lives in progress and think I must take a magic pill every morning.

I don't. The techniques I use are not secret, and the way I choose to approach my life and my relationships is not especially fancy or complicated. They are the results of the lessons I've learned over the years that help me stay in control and also feel real fulfillment. Eighteen years ago, when I gave birth to my first child, I didn't know how to handle every situation I faced. A trip to the grocery store seemed to take half a day. If I happened to see another mother with four or five kids in tow, I wondered, "How can she even manage shopping?" I then returned home feeling dejected, overwhelmed, and determined to get as much done as possible while the baby was napping. At breakneck speed, I would try to clean the house, mow the lawn(!), and make dinner. It was no surprise that by evening I was exhausted and irritable. I had no energy for my child and certainly nothing left to give my husband. Something had to give. Slowly but surely, as child after child was born, I began to get the hang of it. I realized that I could accomplish so much more than a trip to the grocery store if I put some priorities in place. But the first thing I learned to do was to take time for myself each and every day. I knew that I would have so much more to give if I first filled my own cup. So I began to set aside time just for me: to work out, to connect with a friend, to get a manicure, or to plan a date with my husband. What I did not seem to matter as much as the fact that I did something for me that made me feel replenished, refreshed, and recharged. I not only became much better able to get everything done, I felt much more fulfilled doing so.

The Bottom Line

But the bottom line is this: I'm where I am today, with a happy and successful family alongside me on this journey, because I try to take it all one small step at a time. I keep my expectations in check and remember to take care of myself so I can take care of my children and my husband. This book is the result of years of thinking and doing and being a wife and mother of ten kids, as well as the wisdom gained from my most important role models—my parents, and, since meeting Jim, his parents. It's also the outcome of figuring out—through trial and error—what is the best balance among my self, my family, and my relationship. For it has become clear to me that for most mothers, life falls into three major categories: Your Self, Your Marriage, and Your Family and Kids. This book explores those areas and the many questions that crop up within them. For instance: Who are you, and if you don't know anymore, how can you find yourself again? Are you able to say no? Did you know that small indulgences ward off the blues and big ones get you in trouble? In "Your Marriage," I explore how to keep your marriage strong and joyful. There may be bumps on the road, but there are also some great detours and beautiful sights and a lot of fun to be had along the way!

Did you know there's a productive way to argue? And that a little lipstick goes a long way? In the "Your Family & Kids" section, I look at some tricks of the trade that have helped me manage what to most people seems like an impossible task: running a household with so many kids! I talk about writing love letters to my children and figuring out how to relate to teachers. I question some of the accepted norms and offer suggestions for learning to trust your instincts.

This format will allow you to dip in and out of the book, learning from my personal experiences and drawing helpful conclusions about your own life as you read. This is a book of what I call "real-life wisdom"—practical tips and insights that help me get through the day. Sometimes when I feel exhausted, I focus on some simple words of wisdom that help fortify my spirit. Others are practical ideas that make me more efficient at getting the laundry done, dinner on the table, and my kids bathed before bed (almost every night!). And still others are personal, quirky pieces of advice: How do you stay interested in your mate when life feels like a roller coaster? How do you maintain the connection to each other as partners when you're exhausted? For me, I make a conscious effort to give my husband TLC (aka Tender Loving Care). I make sure I tell him how important he is to the kids, what they say about him, and how much they love him. I know that, after a long day at work, he will soon forget his miseries and remember why he loves me.

Incorporated in this small book of wisdom are also the experiences, thoughts, and feelings of other women with whom I have spoken and who have influenced me. We're all in this together, doing the best we can. I hope that a few helpful hints from other women in the same boat will offer you a moment's peace on a hectic day and the vision of a life beyond its current state of chaos. If I can do it, you can too!

Perspective

Sometimes life does not go quite as planned. You have the best intentions, but something throws you for a loop. Or you're doing everything you've been told, and it's still not working. For instance, I recently dumped time-outs. They may work for some kids, but mine seemed to enjoy this time spent in their rooms. I wondered what lesson was being learned. So I came up with a more effective strategy: Chores! Not only do the children learn that there are consequences to bad behavior, but I get my trash taken out, the dishwasher unloaded, or the room picked up. Even a 3-year-old can handle a simple chore such as sweeping.

For those moments when you need to laugh and get your sense of perspective back, I've included sidebars that either point out the funny side of disaster or get right to the nitty-gritty about what to do when things go wrong. Topics include the top six hilarious things that my children have said or done, how to support your children when you can't physically be there for them, and eight ways to instantly relax when you just need a break. I enjoy being with my kids, so I'm a hands-on parent. But I also ask for help when I need it—which is often. I ask for help from my husband, a babysitter, friend, or family member. I don't feel guilty or resentful, because I know I am giving it my best shot. That's really the most anyone can do.

This book aims to give all women—single mothers, working women, mothers with one child or twelve, with lots of money or just enough—the inspiration and know-how to manage life with less stress so they, too, can begin and end each day feeling fulfilled, with their sense of humor and sense of self still intact. It sounds like a tall order, but take it from me, it's not. We're all on a long journey and we're learning as we go along. If nothing else this book will show you that you're not flying solo. By reading this advice you'll have started the process of reaching out and giving yourself the support that you need and deserve.

Excerpted from 'Woman First, Family Always' by Kathryn Sansone (Meredith Books; 2006)