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Bethanne Patrick: Today we're talking about whether children be allowed to see tragedy and tragic events.
Elaine Mazlish: We're talking about children ages three, five, seven, eight or younger. As far as I would be concerned, they would never see it. The parents’ attitude is very important because anxious parents can help create an anxious child.
Bethanne Patrick: There are two things here: (1) It depends on the age of the child and (2) it is important how the parent acts and reacts to things. So you need to shelter them at one stage and at another stage be very cognoscente of how you’re reacting.
Elaine Mazlish: It can be at the same time. How do you react to the news, and what message are you giving the child. Even to be able to say, 'sometimes things happen in life and it is a good thing in life to be prepared.' I want kids to have a sense of power. I want a child to feel that it is within the realm of possibility, but it’s not going to be [at this] moment.
I like to problem solve with children. Even [ask], what do you think should be done in a case like this? How do you think something should be handled?
Bethanne Patrick: That’s a way to contain the event for the children.
Elaine Mazlish: It contains it to some degree, and it empowers them. And this to me is so important, Bethanne, because we all feel powerless at these times. I mean [during] Hurricane Katrina, no one could do anything. But with Hurricane Katrina, I want every child to be part of helping [by] gather money [or] putting clothes together.
Bethanne Patrick: In other words, parents can actually use these questions and problem solving opportunities about tragedy as a teaching experience.
Elaine Mazlish: It is a lesson we wish we didn’t have to teach, but it is part of life. To be able to be helpful to people that are going through the tragedy [like] writing a letter to the children of some of the people who were lost, sending cards, or something where the kids are involved in a supportive sort of process. That not only helps the people on the receiving end, but it helps young people to be participating.
Bethanne Patrick: What if a child is bothered by something, but they are not saying anything. How can you tell?
Elaine Mazlish: That’s an important question. That’s a relationship [that a] parents [needs] to be tuned into. As you keep your eyes open and talk about things, you can even bring things up. [Watch] the child’s expression and the most important is to acknowledge the child’s feelings. Children who have their feelings acknowledged will be more likely to come to a parent.
Bethanne Patrick: Very interesting, because we tend to minimize those things thinking that’s the healthy way.
Elaine Mazlish: Exactly.
Bethanne Patrick: But it’s not.
Elaine Mazlish: Exactly. That kind of talk hurts. That kind of talk can literally drive children crazy. And I recommend instead that we drive them sane. With a kind of....
Bethanne Patrick: I love that. That’s wonderful.
Elaine Mazlish: Acknowledge the child’s feelings with respect, because the other talk tells the children you don’t know what you know, you don’t feel what you feel.
Bethanne Patrick: Make them feel validated.
Elaine Mazlish: It’s as you said, you feel validated. Somebody knows. Somebody understands. To hear what the child has to say. Then to involve the child after you’ve really listened [by asking], what they think we can done?
Bethanne Patrick: So that sounds like, Elaine, again, it’s such an important part of the title of your books, but it is also such an important part of what you're talking about. Really listening is what you just said. So it’s not just about actively saying something to your child, it’s about actively hearing what your child is saying.
Elaine Mazlish: Yes. Actively hearing and having the language to reflect the child’s words back. Respectful acknowledgement of feelings. That’s how trust is built and teenagers will come to you much more readily. Younger children will come if they feel [that] mom [and] dad really hears [them] when [they] say something.
Bethanne Patrick: Oh, very good point.
Elaine Mazlish: Yes, I want to empower the kids at a time when they feel they don't have the power that adults have. The events in the world make them feel even more powerless.
Bethanne Patrick: Well, let’s go to one or two more questions.
Elaine Mazlish: OK.
Bethanne Patrick: Before we close. About the tragedies out there in the world, to the tragedies that hit at home, what about the loss of a family member, a friend or a pet? shat’s the best way to help a child cope with something that’s much closer to home?
Elaine Mazlish: Use the basic principles. Give them the opportunity to talk about it. For example, the youngster who loses a parent at an early age might have an unusually strong reaction to relatively minor separation -- the death of a pet or a friend moving away, even a change of residence or the child surviving an accident. It is the acknowledgment. It is being there. One mother who [had] a loss -- the grandma died and the child didn’t want to go to school. The mother took it as [the child didn't] want to be away. So the mother took a piece of a paper napkin, put on her lipstick, and made a kiss on the napkin. Then she gave the napkin -- this was a preschool [aged] child -- and [she told the child to],'put it in your pocket and when you’re feeling lonely at school, you take it out, and put it up to your face. That will be mommy kissing you.'
Bethanne Patrick: Oh, that's a wonderful story. And that really puts it in a capsule. That children, as you said, want to know that their mothers heard that fear and know that their parents will cope with it in some way that’s very personal.
Elaine Mazlish: Yes.
Bethanne Patrick: Thank you so much, Elaine. This is wonderful. I’m talking to Elaine Mazlish, who, with Adele Faber, has written two, well, she's written more than this, but two books that I encourage everyone out there to read: 'How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk' and 'How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk,' . Thank you, Elaine.
Elaine Mazlish: Thank you, Bethanne.
Bethanne Patrick: This is Bethanne Patrick for AOL Coaches.
Elaine Mazlish: We're talking about children ages three, five, seven, eight or younger. As far as I would be concerned, they would never see it. The parents’ attitude is very important because anxious parents can help create an anxious child.
Bethanne Patrick: There are two things here: (1) It depends on the age of the child and (2) it is important how the parent acts and reacts to things. So you need to shelter them at one stage and at another stage be very cognoscente of how you’re reacting.
Elaine Mazlish: It can be at the same time. How do you react to the news, and what message are you giving the child. Even to be able to say, 'sometimes things happen in life and it is a good thing in life to be prepared.' I want kids to have a sense of power. I want a child to feel that it is within the realm of possibility, but it’s not going to be [at this] moment.
I like to problem solve with children. Even [ask], what do you think should be done in a case like this? How do you think something should be handled?
Bethanne Patrick: That’s a way to contain the event for the children.
Elaine Mazlish: It contains it to some degree, and it empowers them. And this to me is so important, Bethanne, because we all feel powerless at these times. I mean [during] Hurricane Katrina, no one could do anything. But with Hurricane Katrina, I want every child to be part of helping [by] gather money [or] putting clothes together.
Bethanne Patrick: In other words, parents can actually use these questions and problem solving opportunities about tragedy as a teaching experience.
Elaine Mazlish: It is a lesson we wish we didn’t have to teach, but it is part of life. To be able to be helpful to people that are going through the tragedy [like] writing a letter to the children of some of the people who were lost, sending cards, or something where the kids are involved in a supportive sort of process. That not only helps the people on the receiving end, but it helps young people to be participating.
Bethanne Patrick: What if a child is bothered by something, but they are not saying anything. How can you tell?
Elaine Mazlish: That’s an important question. That’s a relationship [that a] parents [needs] to be tuned into. As you keep your eyes open and talk about things, you can even bring things up. [Watch] the child’s expression and the most important is to acknowledge the child’s feelings. Children who have their feelings acknowledged will be more likely to come to a parent.
Bethanne Patrick: Very interesting, because we tend to minimize those things thinking that’s the healthy way.
Elaine Mazlish: Exactly.
Bethanne Patrick: But it’s not.
Elaine Mazlish: Exactly. That kind of talk hurts. That kind of talk can literally drive children crazy. And I recommend instead that we drive them sane. With a kind of....
Bethanne Patrick: I love that. That’s wonderful.
Elaine Mazlish: Acknowledge the child’s feelings with respect, because the other talk tells the children you don’t know what you know, you don’t feel what you feel.
Bethanne Patrick: Make them feel validated.
Elaine Mazlish: It’s as you said, you feel validated. Somebody knows. Somebody understands. To hear what the child has to say. Then to involve the child after you’ve really listened [by asking], what they think we can done?
Bethanne Patrick: So that sounds like, Elaine, again, it’s such an important part of the title of your books, but it is also such an important part of what you're talking about. Really listening is what you just said. So it’s not just about actively saying something to your child, it’s about actively hearing what your child is saying.
Elaine Mazlish: Yes. Actively hearing and having the language to reflect the child’s words back. Respectful acknowledgement of feelings. That’s how trust is built and teenagers will come to you much more readily. Younger children will come if they feel [that] mom [and] dad really hears [them] when [they] say something.
Bethanne Patrick: Oh, very good point.
Elaine Mazlish: Yes, I want to empower the kids at a time when they feel they don't have the power that adults have. The events in the world make them feel even more powerless.
Bethanne Patrick: Well, let’s go to one or two more questions.
Elaine Mazlish: OK.
Bethanne Patrick: Before we close. About the tragedies out there in the world, to the tragedies that hit at home, what about the loss of a family member, a friend or a pet? shat’s the best way to help a child cope with something that’s much closer to home?
Elaine Mazlish: Use the basic principles. Give them the opportunity to talk about it. For example, the youngster who loses a parent at an early age might have an unusually strong reaction to relatively minor separation -- the death of a pet or a friend moving away, even a change of residence or the child surviving an accident. It is the acknowledgment. It is being there. One mother who [had] a loss -- the grandma died and the child didn’t want to go to school. The mother took it as [the child didn't] want to be away. So the mother took a piece of a paper napkin, put on her lipstick, and made a kiss on the napkin. Then she gave the napkin -- this was a preschool [aged] child -- and [she told the child to],'put it in your pocket and when you’re feeling lonely at school, you take it out, and put it up to your face. That will be mommy kissing you.'
Bethanne Patrick: Oh, that's a wonderful story. And that really puts it in a capsule. That children, as you said, want to know that their mothers heard that fear and know that their parents will cope with it in some way that’s very personal.
Elaine Mazlish: Yes.
Bethanne Patrick: Thank you so much, Elaine. This is wonderful. I’m talking to Elaine Mazlish, who, with Adele Faber, has written two, well, she's written more than this, but two books that I encourage everyone out there to read: 'How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk' and 'How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk,' . Thank you, Elaine.
Elaine Mazlish: Thank you, Bethanne.
Bethanne Patrick: This is Bethanne Patrick for AOL Coaches.
