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Patricia and her husband had been told that their first son’s wife was in labor, and since the hospital was not far away, they stayed home as requested. When they could no longer bear the suspense, they drove to the hospital, to be there when the baby arrived. Patricia was nervous and scared -- the labor was taking a long time, and she asked the nurse for information about the progress of the labor and the health of mother and baby. Unfortunately, the new privacy rules mandate that a nurse cannot give out such information. This didn’t stop Patricia from inquiring again--after all this was her grandchild--but it was to no avail. Their son was in the birthing room with his wife, and so they had no source of information. Their anxiety mounted. Then their son stormed into the waiting room and told them that the doctor had just told his wife that a psychotic grandmother was making trouble downstairs. The couple was furious at Patricia, who has walked on eggshells with that family ever since.

A year later, her younger son’s first child born. What a difference. The labor was not as difficult and did not last so long. Patricia and her husband sat in the same hospital, waiting together with and the in-laws. At some point, all four of them crept toward the door of the birthing room, trying to catch a glimpse from within. When her son came out to give them the good news, they all toppled through the door together. The door to this son’s home has never been closed to Patricia.

The pattern of these interactions continues: the degree of coolness or closeness with each son and each son’s wife sets the stage for what happens with the grandchildren. To this day, the first son and his wife don’t let their kids go out alone with Patricia and her husband. The oldest is now six. When she offered to take him to the Smithsonian, the answer was, “You might lose him.” She never lost a child anywhere, but she worries that she is losing her son and his wife and access to their three children. The grandchildren have picked up their parents’ signals. Last summer all seven of them were at the shore. Patricia took her grandson’s hand and said, “Let’s go shell hunting.” As they approached the ocean’s edge, she began pointing out the interesting shells when the little boy paused. He looked back, “I think I’d better go be with Mommy.”

Patricia’s problems with her first son have a long history. Years before, Patricia was talking on the phone to this son when he was also in the middle of a big fight with his future wife. They were screaming at each other. Overhearing the angry words, Patricia said, “I shouldn’t be hearing this. So I’m going to hang up now.”

A month later, the family was out for dinner, and her son announced their engagement. Patricia couldn’t stop herself. “Are you sure?” she asked her son. Patricia acknowledges that this was not the way to begin a wonderful relationship with her daughter-in-law. She is right.

Things have never been easy with her son, and she has never gotten close to his wife -- she’s not someone Patricia would naturally warm to, although she tells me that her daughter-in-law wife has come through like a pro in times of crisis. Patricia appreciates this in her son’s wife. She knows she will never to get to take these grandchildren anywhere until she clears things up with her son. That’s where the problem started, she knows. Recently somebody told Patricia that Wolf Blitzer, the CNN correspondent calls his mother twice a day, from wherever he is in the world.

She mentioned this to her son, and they both laughed. That was the closest she has come to discussing their relationship, she tells me.

“I’ve been thinking of telling him, ‘I’m sorry for the mistakes I made when you were growing up. I did the best could, and I love you. Can’t we bury the hatchet?’”
“Why don’t you?”
“Because I’m afraid of the response.”

When she heard that I have found deep love and gratitude in even the most irritable and testy grown children, she perked up. Later that day, I got a message from her, telling me that she had called her daughter-in-law just to chat, and they both enjoyed the conversation. She was thinking that she might have a real talk with her son now too.