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The acknowledging mistakes and having an honest conversation about the past makes a big difference. Many people are afraid of such an encounter. Others are so angry and hurt that they don’t think they could control their tempers. Most people don’t have the courage to bring up problems like this with their grown kids. We’re content to live with the wall of silence that keeps conflict at bay. The problem is that this wall also keeps intimacy away -- and it honesty. Anger and guilt are a toxic combination, and who wants to expose it? I guess the question is, what will you go through to be close to the grandchildren?

If controlling access to the grandchildren is a powerful weapon our grown children have, wanting to be with them offers us a powerful incentive to take the difficult issues on. The desire to experience the pleasure of the little ones can make a grandmother see virtues she never noticed in her daughter-in-law. But some parents have a very hard time making peace with the new generation, and it is painful to watch what happens.

Weepers

“It’s not my mommy.”

Sara is lovely; her round, open face breaks into a smile that warms your spirit. Today, she has short hair and a big belly -- the second child is due any minute. She’s smart and direct, but very kind. She and her husband, both 36, have been together for a decade. They live in St. Louis with their two-year-old daughter. I have been told that if you are looking a role model for a mother of a small child, go to Sara.

From the first time she met Nettie, Sara felt that something was off. As the young couple pulled up to his parents’ house and Sara got out of the car, a woman opened the front door and came out to greet her. Sara thought she was meeting Alan’s mother, but she was mistaken. Alan’s mom had asked a girlfriend to greet Sara, so she could have a good peek at the girl from behind the window curtains. Sara was disconcerted, set off balance, and that is how she has felt ever since. She believed she could never get it right with Nettie. If she offered to clear the table, she was told, “No, no, no. Sit, I’ll do it.” If she didn’t get up, Nettie would say, “I hope you’re enjoying your relaxing time here. Don’t worry. I can do it myself.”

Nettie only kept making things worse. For instance, Sara didn’t appreciate being nicknamed “Fatty” when she was quite pregnant.

Nettie cannot help herself. She adores her two sons; they mean everything to her -- everything. She needs to be exceedingly close to them. She finds it almost impossible to observe the boundaries that grown children require. When she babysat for the first grandchild, she didn’t see anything wrong with rearranging her daughter-in-law’s pantry -- the old pasta was just on the verge of getting moldy. She didn’t see anything wrong with giving presents to the Nanny, even though her kids asked her not to. She butted into all aspects of her kids’ lives.

You can sympathize with Nettie’s bumbling efforts to form a relationship with her daughter-in-law, but you can also sense her ambivalence about the newcomer to the family. She only wants the best for her son, so she is always interfering. She hears that they are going away for the weekend and inquires about where they are staying, and what it costs. Then she thinks it over and calls back two hours later: “Listen, I made you a reservation at this other place. You don’t have to go, but it’s $175 and that includes breakfast. And I heard the place you booked is not good.” This kind of behavior irritated Sara, but she would hand the phone over to her husband. Once mother and son got into such a fight that Nettie, at her wit’s end, said, “You’re not my son anymore.”

Sara did her best to stay out of these fights, even when things were clearly out of control, but she seethed with anger. She comforted herself by remembering that Nettie was her husband’s problem. Long after each, Nettie would apologize, call herself terrible names, and promise never to do it again. Alan loves his mother and agrees to try again. Sara thinks that apologies that are not accompanied by changes in behavior ring hollow.

Nettie wanted to be the perfect grandmother when the baby was born. But she couldn’t control her need to make things perfect -- as she saw perfect. So when the question of the pacifier came up, her anxiety at the parents’ indecision mounted. She kept calling with advice, first from her friends, then from the Internet, and finally from books she took out of the library. That may be loving, but it is infuriating. Sara reddens with anger as she continues the story of Grandma Nettie.

Sara invited her in-laws to spend one day a week with their little girl. It was great for the little girl, and it gave the nanny a day off, but Nettie was soon meddling in their home, stepping over the boundaries with her daughter-in-law. Even though these visits made her tense, Sara recognized the importance of the grandparents’ involvement in a child’s life, and she knew how much it mattered to her husband.