How to Know if He is a Keeper
Know the Signs
Whether you have just met someone or are in a relationship, you may not know if your man is truly right for you. AOL Love and Sex Coach, Dr. Bethany Marshall, author of 'Deal Breakers: When to Work on a Relationship and When to Walk Away,' gives her tips for knowing whether your man is a keeper.
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He is ... Interested
When you first meet him, you should feel that he wants you. It may be conveyed by a look, a touch, a compliment, or attention to detail. It should be backed up by his willingness to make a plan and move the relationship forward. Constant calling, e-mailing, and text-messaging is not true contact since he cannot touch you, see you, adore you, or get to know you.
He is ... Accomplished
Soon after meeting him, you will discover that he has appropriately achieved in at least one area of his life. If he went to college he now has a good job. If he inherited his parents' business, he has learned how to successfully manage it. His efforts continue to generate new opportunities, new skills, new challenges, or new possessions.
He is ... a Stand-up Guy
He says what he means and means what he says. And the words that he speaks are backed up by action that coincides. Even if he cannot give a guarantee, the relationship is always moving forward. Thus, you will never find yourself drunk-dialing at 2AM because you fear he is out with another girl.
He is ... Into You
It will feel reciprocal and mutual. Do you feel that what he gives is as valuable and meaningful as what you offer? Is he as devoted to you as you are to him? Healthy relationships are based upon mutual give and take. If the only thing that you are getting out of this relationship is text messages, e-mails, or occasional plans, you are not getting what you need.
He is ... Consistent
He will have good friends and you will like who he is when he's with them. You are confident that he is the man you know and love whether he's with you or apart from you. When he's out of sight, he does not turn into somebody else. Conversely, when you include him with your friends, you know who he will be -- charming and engaging, enhancing instead of detracting.
He is ... Understanding
He will like you for who you are. Even if you have a bad day or say something that he does not like, his adoration will remain steady and his view of you will remain the same. Beware of the guy whose perception changes whenever you deviate from his expectations. You should not feel that you must suppress your personality in order to hold onto his approval.
He is ... Not Judgmental
He will never view you as unconditionally bad or make you feel terrible about yourself. Even in the midst of an argument, he will be able to see both the good and the bad in you. He will not stay mad at you once the argument is over. And he will move on instead of clinging to bad feelings or suspicions. He loves you and sees you as a good person, no matter what.
He is ...Trusting
If he is right for you, he will tolerate the unexpected and the unknown because he trusts you. He will not pin you down or put a leash on you every moment of the day in order to feel secure. Instead, he will respect your boundaries and give you the privacy and independence you deserve. Conversely, he will not block you out or use distance to keep the upper hand.
He is ... Willing to Talk
He has a learning curve. He is willing to learn from his mistakes and to modify his actions. For instance, if he begins a friendship with a flirtatious girl and you let him know that this is creating a problem, he will be concerned about your feelings and come up with a solution. When you discuss relationship obstacles, he works on them.
He is ... Proactive
He will seek his own solutions. If he has a problem he will reach out to others for help, find resources, have a conversation, go to therapy, attend a twelve-step program -- anything that will move him closer to making the changes that he needs to make. Pride, laziness, or stubbornness will not keep him from taking the steps that he needs to have a relationship with you.
He is ... Not Controlling
He will not try to have power over you. He won't leave you wondering where he is and what he is doing. Or leave you hanging just to prove a point. Even if he has more money, status, and power, he will not make you feel that you would be nothing without him. He is willing to listen, meet your needs, and include you in mutual decision making.
'Deal Breakers'
Excerpted from 'Deal Breakers' by Dr. Bethany Marshall. Copyright © 2007 by Dr. Bethany Marshall. Excerpted by permission of Simon Spotlight Entertainment, an imprint of Simon & Schuster Children's Publishing. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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