FILE:

The Case of the Cad Who Couldn’t Commit (Abridged)

THE DSI 911

On October 11 2005, DSI received a frantic call from Dating DUPE (Desperately Under to Pressure to Evaluate), Ms. Amelia Jacobs, who’d been dating her boyfriend for 14 months. She believed it was moving towards the "next phase," and the ARSE, (Anti-Relationship Suspect Examinee), gave clear indications that he was of a like mind and heart. Then, without warning, he began pulling away. Boundaries were imposed on the amount of time they "should" spend together. To cap it off, the suspect began reciting all of his faults and shortcomings, as if he were offering up ammunition to seal the deal with his own bullet. At her wit’s end, the woman called DSI with the age-old question: Was it to time to cut bait?

PRELIMINARY DIAGNOSIS

Our preliminary diagnosis of the ARSE suggests he suffers from a Fear of Commitment Compounded by Underlying Pressures (a/k/a FOCCed UP), with an accompanying defense mechanism that someone better may be out there. FOCCed UP is one of the most common forms of commitment phobias (others include "I’m Just Not Ready Syndrome" and "The It’s Not You, It’s Me Complex"). Its onset often comes as a surprise, since most suspects will hide their reservations until their fears become overwhelming and then make a run for it.

CASE SPECIFICS

Relationship Rap Sheet/Ex Files
Past Serious Relationships: 5
Total Number of Sexual Partners: 14
Exes Still In Contact: 3


Interpersonal Infractions
-Has a history of being a harsh judge of character, but is also exceptionally generous and giving
-Finds it difficult to maintain close friendships with other women because they get "too competitive"
-Her desire for a relationship is strengthened by the fact that both her older sisters are happily married with children


Mating Misdemeanors
August 1995
During her sophomore year of college, Ms. Jacobs constantly compared her boyfriend to her older sister’s fiancé, and eventually broke things off because he didn’t "measure up" in ways she felt were important in a potential husband, including professional achievement and financial solvency, which her boyfriend remonstrated was rather difficult at age 19. When he expressed shock that she was dissolving a perfectly happy relationship for not living up to her marital ideal before age 20, Ms. Jacobs said, "I’ll have plenty of time for fun once I’m married. Until then, I’m staying focused."

Flirtatious Felonies
February 2000
Broke off an engagement with her brother-in-law’s boss, a man 17 years her senior with two college-aged kids from a previous marriage, after he confessed he did not want to have more children. Ms. Jacobs was devastated, having endured two years of painstakingly dull sex accompanied by Frank Sinatra’s greatest hits.

Psychographic Thumbnail
Ms. Jacobs is a complex character, driven by her desire to get married and start a family, yet unwilling to compromise on the ideals she prizes in a potential spouse. For most of her life she was the "prettiest girl in the room," and has rarely been alone. While she is not the type who needs a relationship to boost her self-confidence, she is accustomed to being the center of male attention. Nonetheless, her high standards limit the number of men she is willing to date.

As the youngest of three girls in a tight-knit family, she is the only one still single. Her two older sisters married soon after college and had children by the time they were thirty. But Ms. Jacobs is more ambitious than her siblings, and it was this desire that drove her to New York City to pursue a career in fashion. Having reached a comfortable plateau as a well-paid executive, she has set her sights on settling up this other piece of business and finding the right man to share her future.

Copyright © 2006 by Ian Kerner. From the book 'DSI: Date Scene Investigation -- The Diagnostic Manual of Dating Disorders' by Ian Kerner. Published by HarperCollins Publishers Reproduced by permission.