5.
CAT Scan - Cellular Analysis Tapping Scan. A tap placed on some to all of an ARSE’S electronic devices, including cell phone and Blackberry, when a reasonable likelihood of dating malfeasance warrants such a privacy intrusion.
6.
CLOG - Concealed Lack of Orgasmic Gratification. Often referred to as simply "faking it," this complex syndrome involves a general failure to communicate sexual dissatisfaction and a concomitant fear, primarily among DUPEs, to discuss sexual needs and desires.
7.
CLIT - Clitoral Literacy Impairment Test. An infrared scanning technology used to measure an ARSE’s basic understanding of, and appreciation for, female anatomy and sexual pleasuring.
8.
CRAP - Commitment-Repellant Assessment Placement Test. Used to pinpoint the relative degree of an ARSE’s inability to commit. Results are based on a variety of oral, behavioral, and psychographic factors, including body language and physical responses to emotional stimuli, leading to a final determination ranging from "not to worry" to "hang in baby" to "hide the Haagan Daaz."
9.
Dating DNA - The individual and collective sexual, psychological, and emotional ‘fingerprints’ involving a subject ARSE and DUPE.
10.
Dating DUPE (Desperately Under Pressure to Evaluate) - The individual who places initial 911 call to DSI, seeking an investigation into an ARSE. The majority of Dating DUPES are females, though there are exceptions this rule.
11.
DENIAL - Divorce Evaluation Not In A Lifetime Test. Determines the likelihood that a married, cheating ARSE will leave his or her current spouse.
12.
DICK - Determined Inability to Commit Kabash. Where an ARSE's inability to commit threatens the success of a relationship. Left untreated, such inability spells the death knell of the relationship.
13.
DOLT - Degree of Occupational Limitation Test. Used to determine how much a party to a relationship is relying on his or her career to keep emotional attachments and relationships at bay.
14.
Don Juan Syndrome. Marked by a penchant to woo a woman until she falls in love and then break up. Those afflicted tend to engage in theatrical displays of affection; exhibit an unusual degree of enthusiasm for talking about feelings of love and desire for a partner and have a knack for orchestrating the perfect moment with regard to romantic setting.
15.
Don Quixote Syndrome, marked by delusional fantasies of grandeur unsupported by pragmatic efforts, which lead them to break up relationship to pursue "their dreams." Those afflicted tend to play in rock bands long into their 60s; own more than one vintage car/Harley that isn’t operational and think their blog sites will revolutionize mainstream politics.
16.
DREAD. Dysfunctional Relationship Evaluation Assessment Database. Often deployed by DSI data-miners in conjunction with National Evidence Relationship Database (NERD) to assess whether the members of a couple--based on previous dating history and psychographic factors--meet the basic threshold of emotional capacity to engage in a mutually-rewarding, long-term relationship.
17.
DSR - Date Scene Reconstruction. A "blow-by-blow"replay of pivotal encounters throughout the relationship to illuminate romantic obstacles and dating potential in a case at hand.
18.
DUD - Dead Upon Departure. A relationship that was doomed from the get-go based on fundamental absence of compatibility and/or lack of sexual chemistry of either or both of the parties.
19.
DWI - Dialing While Intoxicated. Those regrettable phone calls an injured party to a relationship makes when sobriety is lacking.
20.
Ex-Files - DSI’s vast database of relationships gone awry and the ARSE’s who have knowingly perpetrated crimes of the heart.
Copyright © 2006 by Ian Kerner. From the book 'DSI: Date Scene Investigation – The Diagnostic Manual of Dating Disorders' by Ian Kerner. Published by HarperCollins Publishers Reproduced by permission.
