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DATE SCENE RECONSTRUCTION

One-year anniversary: Out in the cold, Inn with a View

Locale: The Farmhouse Bed and Breakfast, Stowe, Vermont

Synopsis: While on a weekend ski trip coinciding with the couple’s one year anniversary of meeting, Mr. Brown seemed aloof and difficult at times despite the idyllic setting and the fact that Ms. Jacobs had planned and paid for the weekend as a special treat for the overworked Mr. Brown and had made a special trip to La Perla to "sweeten the pot." Upon seeing Ms. Jacobs splayed across the bed in a rather comely ensemble, Mr. Brown complained "the bed is way too small for two people born in this century." When Ms. Jacobs pouted and said, "Are you sure you don’t like the four poster bed? If you’d like we can get another room?" removing a set of pink feather handcuffs from her bag, he merely commented, "Oh whatever, it’s fine. All we’re going to do is sleep here." The next day, after an afternoon of skiing, they had a couple’s massage and a dinner for two, during which time Mr. Brown told Ms. Jacobs that he feared he had certain shortcomings with regard to his ability to "make her happy" and to "give her what she wanted." When she pressed him for details, he grew silent, vaguely referring to his "problems."

Witness Testimony: The hotel chambermaid noticed that only one side of the bed had been slept in, and the pullout couch had been in use. A ski patrolman who saw the couple on the slopes noted that Mr. Brown was making no effort to teach his partner, despite her clear status as a beginner.

FORENSIC ASSESSNENT AND EVIDENTIARY ANALYSIS

Physical Evidence
A DSI investigation of Mr. Brown’s residence and office reveal findings consistent with a FOCCed UP condition, including: While Ms. Jacobs gave Mr. Brown keys to her apartment, he did not reciprocate, his excuse being that he "rarely slept at his apartment." Mr. Brown still maintains his ‘black book’ and other mementos of his bachelor past Photographic evidence and ocular retinal-mapping suggests that Mr. Brown has a "wandering eye," indicative of a belief that there is someone out there better for him

Psychological Evidence
DSI has developed a forensic index that examines parallel behaviors consistent with one who is FOCCed up, as a person’s relationship persona is often consistent with personality traits in other areas of their life.

Work/Career: Mr. Brown’s career as a senior (rather than managing) editor has been stalled by his inability to remain at one company for more than a year. While he defends his checkerboard resume as evident of a gung-ho, in-and-up-or-out attitude, consistent with the fast-track magazine trade, his employers suggest he "grows bored easily" and is addicted to the "honeymoon period" a new job engenders, easily growing restless once he masters the challenges, remarking that something better is probably around the next corner.

Friendships: While Mr. Brown has many old and deep friendships, many of these suffer from a lack of actual physical interaction. With email and instant messaging, Mr. Brown is able to maintain these relationships in a way that makes them real, without requiring actual contact. Mr. Brown has been described by such friends as rootless, with a tendency to go long periods of time incommunicado interspersed by random intervals of intense contact.

Housing/Life Plans: Despite a sizable trust fund inherited from an unremembered paternal aunt, Mr. Brown has not purchased an apartment in Manhattan, preferring to remain in a run-down illegal airshaft sublet in an overpriced fifth floor walk-up in Murray Hill until he decides where he wants to "settle down."

DSI FINDING

Mr. Brown has a strong to severe case of commitment phobia, marked by many of the classic hallmarks. But Mr. Brown seems to have a deep fondness for Ms. Jacobs and a genuine awareness and desire for recovery. For this reason, this case has been forwarded to the Rehab unit for continued monitoring, treatment, and intervention.

RELATIONSHIP REHAB

DSI recommends: •A short probationary period followed by an extended course of individual therapy
• Mr. Brown must begin to tap his inner adult and show a more refined level of maturity and, more importantly, an ability to recognize the early symptoms of a commitment-phobic episode (i.e., inference of lasting togetherness followed by intervals of heavy breathing, desire to flee and panic-driven expulsions of intellectual hyperbole or sullen silence)
• Ms. Jacobs must learn to enjoy the moment without placing so much pressure on how each moment connects to her "big picture" goals

DATING DIAGNOSTIC

Those of us who’ve been through the rinse cycle a few too many times sometimes run before we’re ready to walk. When the going gets tough, we bolt. It’s an irresistible impulse we may indulge now and regret later. As a culture weaned on the concept of "true love," we cling to the myth of Mr. and Ms. Right, waiting for "true love" to bonk us on the heads and announce itself, before we give it our full attention. Until that time, we focus on other things: our careers, our social lives, we date and dabble, figuring that when that special person comes along, we’ll know it and spring into action.

Hey, it’s natural to get a little queasy once things start to get serious. Even when we’re head over kneecaps in love, there is something about the word forever that induces dry heaves and cold sweats. Forever. Say it: FOREVER. Yeah, it hurts.

Yet sometimes we know, deep down, that even though it makes us want to puke up yesterday’s lunch, the thought of not waking up next to so-and-so twenty years from now is not a risk we’re willing to take. After all, we want to set up college funds for our kids together and build a doghouse in our backyards and go to early bird dinners and argue about whether it’s time to go for our annual tooth cleanings. Why? Because, the truth is, we’d rather fantasize about a first kiss and be with them than enjoy a first kiss with anyone else.

FOLLOW-UP

A one-year follow up showed the Ms. Jacobs and Mr. Brown co-habitating in domestic bliss, with the bouts of commitment-phobic anxiety having all but disappeared. Further DSI investigation revealed that Mr. Brown had purchased a "near-perfect" engagement ring several months earlier, but had yet to propose.

Is commitment phobia undermining your relationship? Are either, or both of you any of the following?

1) Being overly critical of the other partner regarding their suitability as a mate and/or of the relationship as a whole
2) Deliberately offending or creating contention, thus sabotaging the relationship, even if seems to be working well. An example of this might be consistently showing up late for dates, being passive during situations that call for emotional action, or bringing up subjects in which there is known disagreement or discord
3) Assuming a deer-in-the-headlights look of terror if one of you mentions "how great things are going" or "how perfect you are for each other"
4) Fearing of loss of freedom or autonomy, and a sense of losing a separate identity distinct from the relationship
5) Experiencing inability to calmly discuss the possibility of living together or getting married after several months of monogamous dating
6) Falling for partner who are unavailable, married, live a long distance away, or have similar reservations about commitment
7) Manifesting other forms of commitment-phobia, such as an ongoing inability to remain at jobs or at the same residence or even maintain long-term friendships (sometimes described as rootlessness).

Copyright © 2006 by Ian Kerner. From the book 'DSI: Date Scene Investigation – The Diagnostic Manual of Dating Disorders' by Ian Kerner. Published by HarperCollins Publishers Reproduced by permission.