Why do you have to break up with her?
Be a man! Just stop calling!
-- joey tribbiani, friends

If you're a decent human being, there is only one way to break up with someone: in person. Yes, that's right: you're going to have to see your soon-to-be ex one last time if you want to fully extricate yourself from your failed relationship.

But many of you are not so decent, especially those of you who have penises. So, in case you simply cannot bear breaking up with your soon-to-be ex in person, or in case you fear that an in-person breakup will prevent any breakup and lead to sex (the horror!), we are going to try to help you explore some alternative mediums.

So You Want to Break Up by . . .
Instant Messenger

When It's Appropriate
The IM is a painfully easy -- and lazy -- way to break up with someone, and we suggest it be used only for relationships that have lasted fewer than two weeks and have been generally dispassionate and casual. There's a good chance, however, that your soon-to-be ex has perceived your union as more serious than you have, and will not appreciate being dumped by an emoticon. : (

What's Good about It
It's quick and fast, and you can multitask while doing it. You get all the immediacy of an actual in-person conversation, but you don't have to watch the other person suffer (you can watch TV while she's suffering). This actually can be a bonus for the dumpee too, as he or she can play it cool -- heartbreak hides well behind a keyboard.

What's Bad about It
IMs don't have the ephemeral and private qualities that other methods do. Every sentence can be easily cut and pasted into someone else's IM window, which means that your soon-to-be ex might be sharing your breakup lines in real time with another IMer. What's more, people usually don't think out what they type in IMs with the same care they do when writing e-mails or letters, yet an IM can be saved just as simply. Do you want your ex using those words against you when you come back after realizing there's nothing better out there? And do you ever want your breakup to include the phrase "LOL"?

Things to Keep in Mind
Tone is something that's difficult to convey in an instant message -- a statement that's meant to come across as ironic can easily be misconstrued as heartfelt, and vice versa. This is an issue that some people try to solve by using emoticons, but admit it: the only thing more pathetic than using instant messenger to breakup with someone is using a colon and a parenthesis to convey feelings of remorse.