Chapter 1: She's Got Issues

Whether you're dragging your Manolos down the aisle, rejecting every available man in your zip code, or jumping ship every time a man brings up the future, many of you are right now suffering from commitment-phobia. As novel as the concept may seem, it's hardly a laughing matter. I mean, how funny is it to want something, drive yourself crazy fantasizing about it every day, and then when you finally get it, drop it like last year's Ugg boots? I don't know about you, but there's something downright unnerving about being so conflicted -- about thinking you want the whole enchilada (marriage, kids, live-in boyfriend, or husband) and when the time comes to sign on some dotted line (be it a one-year lease or a marriage certificate) realizing that you don't. Not even close. Not at all. Well, maybe a little.

THE CONFESSIONAL: Jane, 38

It's weird -- now that I turned 38, I'm much calmer about the whole thing. But that wasn't always the case. For fifteen years, I spent all my time looking, dating, and trying to find Mr. Right. I read every self-help book. I visited psychologists, tarot readers, psychics -- you name it, I did it. During those years, I met some great people, but nothing ever worked out. I remember all the heartache, the drama, the feeling that I just had to find someone or die trying, all the classes I took and all the insecurities I had, like maybe I was unlovable. I finally met someone a year ago. He was everything I thought I wanted -- good-looking, stable, nice, secure, funny. And then out of nowhere, I freaked out and broke up with him. It was a huge shock to realize that I actually missed being single. Everyone thought I was crazy. But I know I'm not half as crazy as I used to be. At least, now I know what I want. I can't help regretting all that time I spent agonizing over my relationships and worrying about being alone. I wish I would have figured it out sooner and enjoyed those years a little more. I don't know...hobbies, traveling more, whatever -- just focusing on my needs instead of running around town like some crazy woman.

For years, I have watched many women struggle with commitment anxiety. I have seen perfectly sane females insist that their one goal in life is to have a stable relationship, and then do everything in their power to avoid it. Or those women who go on ad infinitum about their careers, the joys of living solo, and no-strings sex, only to collapse in a weeping heap when a guy doesn't call when he says he will. And how could we forget those who are so terrified of facing their commitment fears that they break up with someone they love when things get too close?

Let's face it -- many of us can't even commit to a hair color, let alone a full-fledged, long-term relationship. And it's not just your typical runaway-bride scenario, either. You don't have to have a gaggle of bridesmaids and a reception hall reservation to experience cold feet. In fact, there are a million and one ways we express our fear of commitment, whether it's by staying in go-nowhere relationships, cheating on our spouses, blowing up our boyfriends' tiny flaws to mammoth proportions, serial dating, or hiding out at home watching reruns of Sex and the City. The behaviors may vary, but the underlying cause is the same: we want to engage in long-term committed relationships but are terrified of what we'll have to give up in the process.

Whether you recognize yourself or any of your single girlfriends in any of the above scenarios, you have to admit one thing: our commitment issues are starting to get a little out of hand. With so many options and conflicting messages (Date! Don't date! Be independent! Find someone to love!), it's no surprise that women are acting just a wee bit schizophrenic. Stuck in a seemingly endless cycle of desire, ambivalence, and confusion, many single women simply don't know that they are afraid of the very things they think they want -- commitment and stability.

You're so Not Alone

As millions of single women stand on the threshold of commitment, struggling with their fears as they try to decide whether to get married, cohabit, or break up, many of them wonder: The answers to these questions are simple: (1) Yes, it's normal. (2) Because commitment is scary. (3) And no, you're not alone.

The Census Bureau reports that single women are the fastest-growing segment of the American population, with more than 47 million in this country, 22 million of whom fall within the 25-to-44 age range. Many of these women are right now struggling with commitment anxiety.

While it's becoming clear that women have immense anxiety about commitment and are pushing back marriage later every year, there is almost no information about our ambivalence. As a result, many of us feel completely alone when in fact there are millions of others just like us. The most important thing to realize is that you're not alone. Not even close! Continued ...

Excerpted from 'Kiss and Run: The Single, Picky and Indecisive Girl's Guide to Overcoming Her Fear of Commitment' by Elina Furman. Copyright© 2007 by Elina Furman. Excerpted by permission of Fireside, a division of Simon & Schuster, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.