Continued From Page 55. Mommy MadnessSingle mothers may have made for startling headlines in the past, but today they're old news. The idea of a woman having or adopting a kid by herself doesn't even faze us anymore. But life hasn't always been this sweet for the single mommy. Besides the lack of financial opportunity, a woman in the past who wanted to have children either had to get married or face a meager existence on the fringes of society. Not only that, she would have to risk her children being ostracized as well.
Fortunately, the stigma of having kids outside the confines of a conventional marriage scenario has significantly decreased. A record number of babies (almost 1.5 million) were born to unmarried women in the United States in 2004. And according to new data from the Federal National Center for Health Statistics, those mothers were much more likely to be in their twenties than to be teenage moms. It's obvious that women who want kids today find that they don't have to wait around for their knight in shining armor to enjoy the benefits of motherhood.
But the issue of single mommies isn't quite so cut-and-dried. Some women struggle with the idea of going it alone and wouldn't dream of having children outside of marriage. For these women, their ticking biological clocks are a constant reminder that they have yet to make a commitment. Many of them are legitimately freaked out that their fear of permanency will impede their chances of starting a family. With nine times more fertility clinics in the United States now than there were in 1986, it should come as no surprise that women are delaying having children well into their thirties and forties. And yet, there are many women who are as averse to the idea of having children as to the prospect of committing to a relationship. For them, committing to a child or a man poses an equal-opportunity challenge of giving up the freedom and mobility that they currently enjoy.
THE CONFESSIONAL: Casey, 28
I definitely think about getting older. My mother said she went to this wedding last night and the bride was 30 and we were talking how she should be having babies. And my mom said, "Yeah, she's up there." And I'm like, "What do you mean? I'm knocking on 30." You do have to think about marriage and babies -- age definitely affects what you look for when you are going to be dating someone. But it also scares me, because I think, if I find that person, am I really going to want to be with them for the rest of my life? And marriage usually leads to children, and that's the other extreme where you are not only responsible for yourself, but you are responsible for this other life. That changes the whole dynamic of your life. Everyone speaks about how wonderful it is, and that it's a love you will never experience anywhere else. But you can't know that until it actually happens. And it takes away a lot of your freedom and your identity. You have to be really selfless.
6. Chick CliquesIn lieu of committed relationships, many women are forming close-knit groups that serve as surrogate support networks. You can't walk by a bar or restaurant without seeing a group of women toasting their friendships and successes. And who could forget all those hours you and your friends clock on the phone or at your regular Sunday brunches? The idea now seems to be, "Who needs a boyfriend when I have so many friends?" Women can travel together, start businesses together, live together, and support each other during a health scare or crisis.
THE CONFESSIONAL: Danielle, 31
I have a ton of friends -- I'm a very social person, I get along with people really well. I just think someone who will be sharing that part of me will have to be not just someone that I trust, but someone who is -- not like a hero, but bigger than me. I don't want to sound all Sex and the City (I think that was a line on the show), but I'd rather be alone than be with the wrong person. I'd rather spend time with friends.
With many of their social and personal needs being met by friends, it's no surprise that women are more likely to question commitment. Some of these surrogate urban tribes are so emotionally supportive and rewarding that women do not feel the need to form traditional nuclear families of their own. In the absence of one significant other, many women find themselves turning to their friends for support.
Of course, what starts out as a great substitute often becomes a convenient way to push away commitment. After all, who has time to commit to a long-term relationship when life is already so full? Suddenly, men are finding that they have to jump through hoops to pry a woman away from her friends or worry that they will be disqualified if they fail to impress her girlfriends.
Excerpted from 'Kiss and Run: The Single, Picky and Indecisive Girl's Guide to Overcoming Her Fear of Commitment' by Elina Furman. Copyright© 2007 by Elina Furman. Excerpted by permission of Fireside, a division of Simon & Schuster, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
