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Besides fighting with black men, far too many black women resort to fighting with other sisters over the few black men that are available. This ongoing competition with other women can make relations between sisters testy and often downright nasty. Black women stay on edge, desperate and fearful that any guy they meet will move on to another sister at the slightest whim. They also become anxious and impulsive in their mate selections, not taking enough time to evaluate the men they meet to see if they are really compatible. Even those women who get a guy to commit tell me they always feel on shaky ground, hoping that nothing and no other woman will come along to change his mind. This feeling of being socially off-balance leaves many sisters feeling "damned if I do, damned if I don't."

The other problem that few in the black community want to address is the role that fatherlessness plays in the romantic misadventures of black men and women. I see young men and women trying to build relationships together while at the same time having to negotiate outside relationships with their baby's father or mother. One young man I counseled was the father of three children by two different women, and had come to me because he thought he was in love with yet another woman. Young women often ask me how they should behave when the man they love is constantly being pulled away by his ex-girlfriend who also happens to be the mother of his child. All these overlapping liaisons and connections create tremendous tensions, and therefore many potentially good relationships falter under the sheer weight of all the conflicting demands and obligations.

Both men and women need to see that it is possible for a black man and woman to relate to each other in a loving and lasting way. Given the large number of black women who grow up without fathers and the number of fathers who were present but emotionally absent or physically abusive, black women are often at a loss as to how to engage men, trust them, and depend upon them for anything other than sexual needs.

The root of the conflict for black men and women lies in an internalized self-hatred absorbed from the broader society and then projected unwittingly onto one another. The bruised egos and unrealized aspirations from growing up black in this society exact a heavy emotional toll. A psychiatrist friend told me that she believes that black people in this country live in a constant state of emotional distress. So instead of "The Man" being the problem, black men and women become problems for each other. For many black couples, it is just easier to fight each other than risk losing the larger battle of fighting a constricted and unfair world. Also, taking individual responsibility for what's wrong in a relationship seems more difficult to some of my clients than trying to get their partners to make changes.

Issues of blame regarding whose plight in life is worse are commonly bandied about by black couples in conflict, but rarely do they speak openly about the core of the problem. I might be able to show them how to solve some of the superficial issues that each claims to be distressed about, but the greater underlying tension remains. Since illumination is often the first step toward understanding any problem, let's look at what I see as the basic factors that keep black men and women struggling with paper tigers.

High Expectations and Disappointments

Within struggling as well as middle- to upper-class families, children are raised with high expectations that they will achieve success and make their families proud. Working-class parents want their children to reap greater rewards from society than they did. "Work hard and get an education," they urge, "and you'll make it." Yet for many, these goals of unprecedented social and economic success go unrealized, leaving them feeling unfulfilled and even cheated.

Black men and women from more affluent families are not only expected to succeed but also have high expectations about what life owes them. These individuals grew up with upwardly mobile parents who sheltered them from the harsh realities of racism by showering them with all the advantages money could buy. They led their children to believe that if they went to the right schools, joined the right organizations, and learned an appreciation for the finer things in life, everything else would come easily. Yet romantic relationships don't work that way. Instant gratification is the expectation, and relationships become disappointing when they cannot provide the immense happiness that some of these individuals have come to expect from life.

When expectations go unfulfilled, fantasy often steps in to fill the void. I see this often in the couples I work with.

When black women describe some of their fantasies to me, they almost always include the perfect man who will make their lives complete. Not only is he kind, handsome, loving, and supportive, but he is also rich. He is able to fix things -- both material and emotional -- when they are broken. He is a wonderful lover, who, no matter what else is going on in his life, is sensitive and very attentive in bed. A great protector from harm, he is also a soul mate without peer. Of course, we all know that a perfect man does not exist anywhere for anyone. The result: disappointment beyond belief.

Joelle often told me of her dreams and how deeply disappointed she was that "things just didn't turn out right for her." In spite of her professional success, she felt that two failed marriages meant that she was doing something wrong in spite of her efforts to be all she could be.

"When I was in college, I loved riding the bus through the most expensive neighborhoods in town," she said. "My grades were always great and all of my instructors praised my work. So I thought that one of those big beautiful houses, surrounded by sloping lawns and lush trees, would be mine one day simply because I was doing so well. It never occurred to me that it wouldn't automatically happen. And it never occurred to me that I would have to get it all for myself. I was supposed to marry the doctor or lawyer and only work when the spirit moved me. And now it seems that all I do is work, work, work. I am too tired to even care about the big house anymore."

For many black men, the ultimate fantasy is the best mother they can imagine. She is accommodating, a tireless listener, and an unquestioning cheerleader. No matter what his shortcomings are, she will be there to nestle his weary head on her bosom. What he wants is unconditional love, but romantic love always comes with conditions. The result: profound disappointment again.

One client, Michael, talked at length about his mother in one session. It was clear that she had provided much of his emotional sustenance all of his life. When things started unraveling with his current wife, he thought of his mother first. What would she say? What would she tell him to do? He told me that his wife even looked like his mother and had many of the same mannerisms, but she wasn't as patient. His wife, he said, talked quickly and made him nervous.

"I can't seem to think fast enough or move fast enough for her," Michael said of his wife "Sometimes after a day looking for work, I didn't want to talk or sort out any issues. I wanted her to understand what it was like going from one job interview to another. I wanted her to wait until I could talk about my feelings. But whatever I did wasn't enough. All she ever talked about was money and getting ahead, which is okay, but not when I didn't have any prospects of a job. My mother seemed to know instinctively what was happening with me. I want my wife to be the same way."

Loving partnerships are built on reality. Fantasies may never come to fruition. In the meantime, life and potential (though less-than-perfect) partners pass some people by. Until we are willing to let go of unrealistic fantasies, black men and women cannot face each other as loving equals. What I find sad are the sheer numbers of men and women who spend many years of their adult lives looking for these fantasy partners, experiencing one disappointment after another. By the time they end up in my office, their condition borders on hysteria. Breathlessly, they tell me that they have tried everything and nothing seems to work. They still feel alone and deeply disappointed.