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The Devil Is in the Numbers

The widespread belief that black men are relatively scarce worries, and even panics, many black women. It is a fact that the black community is losing its men in ever-increasing numbers to joblessness, drug wars, homicide, and incarceration. Increasingly, men aren't around to help build marriages or raise children, primarily because of educational and economic inequalities. It's a well-known fact that there are more black men in prison than there are in all of the colleges and universities in the United States. It is difficult to commit to a family when you don't have sufficient resources to create stability for yourself.

The endless media reports about the number of black women who will live their lives alone because of the shrinking pool of marriageable black men makes it easy to understand why so many women are obsessed with finding and keeping a man, no matter what the quality of the relationship. Black men know well that many women have become desperate. As a consequence some become arrogant and cocky in their "favored status," deciding that they can pretty much have their own way with any woman they meet.

When clients like Joelle relate stories about settling for unsatisfying dating and marital situations, it is clear that they have become victims of the numbers game. When I ask why a client is staying in a relationship that is obviously causing a great deal of unhappiness, I get answers like these: "If I don't do this for him, when and where will I find another man? Is it fair for me to be alone?" And here are the responses I hear most frequently from men: "What is she going to do about it? Where is she going to find another guy like me?"

One forty-year-old man told me, "I give them what they want. I am a single black man who is well educated, well traveled, and I have plenty of money to spend. Most black women see me as a good catch, which means I get to call the shots most of the time. I have a woman who comes to see me from New York about once a month and I make sure she has a good time. Then there is another one I see when I travel to L.A. on business, and there is my steady in Oakland where I live. I know it sounds cocky, but they are glad to see me whenever I can work it out. Each must know that I see other women, but that doesn't change anything."

The number of available black men is not likely to change in the near future. The ratio is not going to be in black women's favor for many years to come. Clearly, though, the answer is not to put up with unacceptable behavior merely to keep a man. Some black women find creative solutions. They date men of other ethnic groups and cultures, or decide to go it alone, or see several men and accept that these men also see other women, or see one man and do not demand that he be monogamous.

It is this last choice that I discussed in my first book, Man Sharing: Dilemma or Choice? I was widely accused of promoting the notion that black women should accept sharing their men sexually and emotionally with other women since there were so few good available black men. The media hype about Man Sharing caused many to believe that I was truly advocating polygamy as a reasonable way of life. Instead, I was only urging women to realistically confront a troubling social condition and consider all of the alternatives. I also wanted to shed some light on the explosive issue of affairs and help women learn to cope better with their depression and sense of helplessness about this painful dilemma.

The heated reaction to my book surprised me. Strange things began to occur. Black women attacked me, and black men began to look at me with a gleam in their eye because they thought I was sanctioning having more than one woman at a time. To set the record straight: I never condone sexual exploitation. I do favor giving women more choices and empowering them to set their own course.

I think what black women are really angry about is the loss of their fantasies. One black single woman in a workshop said angrily, "How dare you tell us that we might not find a man? I have done everything I was supposed to do. I have a good education, a great job, I own my own home, and I have traveled all over the world. Now I want to settle down and have a family, and you're saying it might not happen for me and I resent it." Some of the married women who attend my relationship workshops insist that their partners will never step out on them with another woman -- as if denying this possibility loudly enough can keep it from happening.

It is painful but true that the man shortage means that many black women will not find partners to have just for themselves. Yet women need not be victims. Many women set the rules for their own behavior and leave relationships that don't offer fulfillment. They refuse to permit men to use affairs as a tool to whip women into shape and avoid commitment. Too many of my female clients cry to me about what they are willing to do to keep a man away from other women, even if it means changing who they are. This is a hopeless game that keeps too many women trapped in unsatisfying relationships. My ultimate advice is always the same: learn to love and take care of yourself.

The Great Divide -- Economics and Education

Part of the numbers game for black women is the whole notion of selection -- whom they choose and why. Black women are often criticized for their emphasis on the superficial. Black men often feel that if they don't have the requisite material wealth, women will regard their internal qualities as inconsequential. The trouble is that many black women feel that they deserve and are entitled to an idealized mate -- a romantic partner who is also a "man of means."

Black men know this, and some concoct games of pretend in order to lure the woman with dollar signs in her eyes. For example, a man might carry phony credentials like a gold-embossed card, featuring a company name listing him as the president of the firm. Or he might lease a car he can ill afford. The relationship thus begins with an assumption and a lie: an assumption that the woman seeks riches, and a lie that a man has them. There are many who would say that there is only one reason black men and women can't get along -- economics. It is no secret that black men have a difficult time in the professional marketplace. And some black men are angry because they believe black women are succeeding at their expense. Statistics don't support this belief, but it persists just the same. The truth is that two out of three black children are born to unmarried women, meaning that black women are struggling economically to raise children by themselves. And in terms of a paycheck, black women are last on the list -- behind white men, white women, and black men. In 2004, median wages were $508 per week for black women and $570 for black men, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. Yet the myth persists that black women are doing well at the expense of black men.

One reason the myth endures is the high visibility of some black women who in recent years have risen through the corporate ranks. The problem with such reports is that they fuel the debate between black men and women about who is doing better economically. It is gross mischaracterization to focus on the small group of women who have climbed the corporate ladder when huge numbers of black women are continuing to struggle.

But despite obvious gains, many black men feel shut out from the power and the prerequisites of the good life. Does this lowered economic status affect how a black man deals romantically with a black woman? Remember the old adage that there's no romance without finance. This seems to be especially true in the black community. A black male college student told me that he worries about his ability to attract a "superstar sister." Without a lot of money or the appearance of some money, he believes his chances with most black women are slim.