Audrey Chapman on Writing
'Getting Good Loving'
Audrey Chapman answers common questions about the hurdles a couple must overcome to establish a healthy relationship.
It seems like common knowledge that the key to maintaining a healthy relationship is effective communication. It sounds so simple, yet so many couples struggle to share their feelings and resolve conflicts openly and honestly. Why is that, in your experience?Many couples struggle with communication because they fear sharing power within the relationship. Many believe that dropping protective stances places them at risk of a partner taking full advantage of their emotional vulnerability. Each individual resists taking in the partner's requests and criticisms, and instead becomes very defensive. When this breakdown in communication occurs, no conflict can be addressed, much less resolved.You classify the relationship hurdles specific to African Americans as both internal and external. What are some of these hurdles, and how do they hurt black relationships?
Learn what's holding your relationship back. Audrey Chapman offers advice to couples -- particularly African Americans -- on how to establish more fulfilling adult relationships. Plus get the relationship advice and tips you need from all of the AOL Love & Sex Coaches.
The internal and external range widely, and complicate many African American relationships. The internal issues are the psychological ones: self-esteem issues, extreme mistrust, and a hostile manner of relating to a partner that can be counterproductive to the process of healthy problem solving. Externally, black women are taught by family members to be independent superwomen and not to rely on any man to meet their needs. Relating to men this way prevents black women from trusting the help and support their men try to provide. Black men, on the other hand, often feel castrated by society and dominated by their women.
The dynamics between both groups cause men to believe they must design slick social games and resist commitment to maintain the upper hand with black women, who end up accepting casual relationships with no long-term future. Black women then react to black men with nasty attitudes that only lead to more disappointment. As each behavior perpetuates the others, both sexes eventually become estranged and unwilling to be in permanent relationships together.
How does one's lifelong conception of the ideal partnership affect adult relationships? What can be done to prepare people for more realistic relationships?
Too many individuals get their information about relationships from television, movies, videos, romance novels, and love songs. They base their notions of love on these ideals, which of course sets them up for disappointments. Relationships are so complex because they often involve two people of very different histories, religions, or education levels, which causes conflicts of interest. Learning how to master those differences -- often, learning to "agree to disagree" -- would help men and women to be more realistic about healthy relationships.
You divide the interpersonal dynamics of relationships into three categories: dependent, independent, and interdependent. Could you explain these a bit further?
We don't relate on a totally dependent or independent basis. There are points within our relationships when we may need to be very dependent or independent. Within the black community, women tend to be raised by their parents to be independent, which does not prepare them for teamwork in partnerships. Many sons in black families are not raised to be responsible or responsive, so they don't do well with teamwork either. Interdependence requires more flexibility in responding appropriately to each other's needs and desires.
