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Audrey Chapman on Writing
'Getting Good Loving'

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In the book, you devote a lot of attention to what you call the "entitlement syndrome." What is it? How does it manifest itself in black relationships?

The entitlement syndrome is based upon a concept that individuals function in relationships, to some degree, with the belief that a partner owes what was not provided within the family as they grew up. When this occurs, feelings of entitlement dominate the healthy flow of the relationship, causing frustration and disappointment.

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'Getting Good Loving' by Audrey Chapman

Learn what's holding your relationship back. Audrey Chapman offers advice to couples -- particularly African Americans -- on how to establish more fulfilling adult relationships. Plus get the relationship advice and tips you need from all of the AOL Love & Sex Coaches.

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    Why do the upbringings of boys and girls of black families tend to differ, and how do these differences play into their adult relationships?

    The African American community has many styles for raising children in a society that's not always receptive to whom their children really are. Black parents "love their sons but raise their daughters," preparing them to be on their own through most of their adult life. They often condition their daughters not to depend upon their men and to always support themselves financially. These differences make it difficult for black men to feel that they can play a role that's significant in their women's lives.

    Young black women grow up not often seeing two people struggling together to make it, and grow up believing men cannot be relied upon. More often, women of the black community are left feeling they will never be related to in wholesome ways and that prospects for marrying are very unlikely. Then, because of the greater ratio of women available to men in the black community, the men get to have several relationships, causing women to share them within their social circle. Currently, African American men and women are the most "unpartnered" ethnic group in America.

    Racism continues to be an obstacle for African Americans in society today, but black women must additionally confront sexism in their lives. How do these two forms of prejudice factor into black relationships?

    Black women are very resilient people; they have had to defend themselves and their families for hundreds of years against racism, and will continue to do so for many years, if need be. I suggest often that they take better care of themselves, pamper themselves more, ask more often for what they need, and let others lend them more support. Black women must learn to deal with the hand they were dealt and keep moving on. Too often black women are working on avoiding societal prejudice while dealing with sexism and social oppression within their relationships. Some black men function in "macho" ways toward the women in their lives, which has led to a high divorce rate and an avoidance of marriage within the black community.

    We've heard much about the endangered black man and how difficult it is for most black women to find suitable partners. What options do frustrated women have in facing this scarcity?

    Frequently I have suggested that the black women of the current generation might accept men from various ethic backgrounds. They might also accept more working-class professionals and men who may be a bit younger to increase their options.

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