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Get relationship advice that can help you get closer your partner. Check out more from AOL Love & Sex Coach Star Jones Reynolds, plus get additional tips and information on better living from all of our AOL Coaches.
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Bethanne Patrick: What's the worst stress that couples face during the holidays?
Star Jones Reynolds: Probably deciding on whose home they're going to visit for Christmas Eve or Christmas Day or for Hanukah celebrations. That's the biggest thing right now. And my co-host is facing that because her daughter has a new boyfriend, and it's tradition that her whole family spends Christmas Eve together. Well luckily this year everybody has agreed. I'm not sure what next year's going to bring.
Bethanne Patrick: What's happening for you? What did you and your new husband decide? You're still virtually newlyweds.
Star Jones Reynolds: I actually think what is good about Al and me is, we spent our Thanksgiving together with our families. And then for Christmastime, we've decided to start our own traditions. Which is really the advice that I give couples. We are going to spend our Christmas alone together with some additional friends down at the beach, in the Caribbean. And that way you don't get into a big fight.
Bethanne Patrick: What other things do you recommend that people do or do not do when it's their first holiday with a special someone?
Star Jones Reynolds: During the first holiday you want to make sure when it comes to gift giving that you don't go overboard. You don't want to take a relationship too far in your gift giving early on.
Bethanne Patrick: What's too far?
Star Jones Reynolds: I'll give you a great example: you are dating someone and say you've been dating since Thanksgiving, which means basically you've got a month before Christmas. It's probably not a good idea to give a gold watch. How's that?
Bethanne Patrick: That's an excellent example. Now what do you think if you've been dating a month but you know there's something special. What would you suggest?
Star Jones Reynolds: The perfect gift is something you can do together. You can give a Couples Massage. You can give a gift certificate to a great restaurant. You can give tennis lessons. You can give sessions with the person's trainer. You can give -- if it's a man trying to give a new woman in their life a gift -- a great gift is a facial or body treatment at that person's favorite spa.
Bethanne Patrick: Oh! These are all wonderful! Now in terms of not going overboard, are there other things when you're further along -- let's say it's your first married Christmas -- are there things you should and should not do in terms of that person's family and gift giving?
Star Jones Reynolds: Well, in terms of family, my mother had it down to a science. She basically, in my opinion, locked in Al for me by the first gift she ever gave him. My mom went and bought Al a grey cashmere sweater. And it is his favorite thing on earth since he got it and now. She found out from me something that she liked, but that she could afford, which I think is really a good test of when you are giving gifts to family members. It's always nice to give something that, again, is not too over the top, but is thoughtful. If you know your significant other's parents enjoy a great bottle of wine: do a little research on what a modest wine that won an award would be. That's a perfect gift to bring.
Bethanne Patrick: Do you have other suggestions for new traditions that a couple can do together? You were mentioning you're traveling together.
Star Jones Reynolds: Well Al and I started off our relationship, almost from the beginning, traveling. We met in November and we traveled to Jamaica that Christmas. The thing is, don't put pressure on yourself to share the same room if that's not where your relationship is. That's number one. Number two: when you get to a location, don't put pressure on yourself to be together every single moment. That's what can scare someone if it's a brand new relationship. If it's not a new relationship and you think this could be the one, then add a little more time together. Because that's one of my tips in 'Shine': If you don't enjoy each other's company, you're really going to be in trouble.
Bethanne Patrick: What do you do if you're not sure that person is the one? Should you be taking a trip with them over something so emotionally charged as the holiday season?
Star Jones Reynolds: A lot of people would advise that you not take a trip if you're not sure. But for me, that would be probably one of the ways that would convince me whether or not I was sure. Because if you don't enjoy someone's company, that is going to be the first 'Uh oh' sign that they are not the one. That's one tip. The second part of that tip is: traveling together. Traveling together brings out the best and the worst in someone. You really can get an opportunity to find out if you are compatible. And my third part is something that, again, I write about in 'Shine' and it's the thing that sort of brings it home for a lot of people: holidays can be stressful. It's one of the most stressful times of the year for most people. And then add a new relationship to it. If I start to think through what kind of person I want in my life for the rest of my life, I think, 'In my most stressful times, can that person be there for me?' How does that person handle stress? And this would be your third way of testing if this relationship is the one.
Bethanne Patrick: Do you have other tips as far as keeping the stress at bay when you are in that permanent relationship?
Star Jones Reynolds: Well during the holidays it's easy: 'It's the holidays, don't add to it.' Okay? Enjoy yourself. Also remember this is the time for giving back -- do something together that allows you to touch other people's lives. That's always a great thing when you're doing that. Stress-free also is: do not put pressure on yourself to make it more than it is. 'Christmas Eve! Oh my God! New Year's Eve! I must be ... he must be in love! He must kiss me right at midnight!' You are putting pressure on yourself to make something permanent that might not be permanent. And here's my number one tip in a relationship: a date is not always a mate. It's alright.
Bethanne Patrick: A date is not always a mate. That is something that everyone needs to remember. Now another thing you talk about, I know, in 'Shine' is taking something negative in your personality and making it into a positive when you're on that road towards fulfillment. Could you talk about that in terms of the holidays in terms of these stresses for us for a couple of moments?
Star Jones Reynolds: Well, you know, one of my probably most negative personality traits is I am a complete control freak. And I mean a complete control freak. During vacations they call me 'Julia, the cruise director.' That is how much of a control freak I am. And that can be annoying to a lot of people. The way I've made it into a positive is to be organized, but for someone else. So in other words, if I'm planning a trip, make sure I'm planning something that would make other people enjoy.
Bethanne Patrick: What are you hoping for this year? What would make your holidays the most stress-free that they could be -- from either his side or someone else's side?
Star Jones Reynolds: I want to sit on the beach and watch the water roll in and roll out. All I want to do is rest. You know why? Because starting January 6th, I start a ten week long, 75 day book tour.
Bethanne Patrick: I am tired now just hearing that.
Star Jones Reynolds: I know. Ten weeks. Every weekend. Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I will be on the road for ten straight weeks talking about 'Shine' and bringing the 'Shine' tour to local communities all around the country. So I know that the ability to sleep in, to do some yoga, to walk on the beach with Al, to play with my puppy Pinkie -- is going to be the greatest gift I could give myself.
Star Jones Reynolds: Probably deciding on whose home they're going to visit for Christmas Eve or Christmas Day or for Hanukah celebrations. That's the biggest thing right now. And my co-host is facing that because her daughter has a new boyfriend, and it's tradition that her whole family spends Christmas Eve together. Well luckily this year everybody has agreed. I'm not sure what next year's going to bring.
Bethanne Patrick: What's happening for you? What did you and your new husband decide? You're still virtually newlyweds.
Star Jones Reynolds: I actually think what is good about Al and me is, we spent our Thanksgiving together with our families. And then for Christmastime, we've decided to start our own traditions. Which is really the advice that I give couples. We are going to spend our Christmas alone together with some additional friends down at the beach, in the Caribbean. And that way you don't get into a big fight.
Bethanne Patrick: What other things do you recommend that people do or do not do when it's their first holiday with a special someone?
Star Jones Reynolds: During the first holiday you want to make sure when it comes to gift giving that you don't go overboard. You don't want to take a relationship too far in your gift giving early on.
Bethanne Patrick: What's too far?
Star Jones Reynolds: I'll give you a great example: you are dating someone and say you've been dating since Thanksgiving, which means basically you've got a month before Christmas. It's probably not a good idea to give a gold watch. How's that?
Bethanne Patrick: That's an excellent example. Now what do you think if you've been dating a month but you know there's something special. What would you suggest?
Star Jones Reynolds: The perfect gift is something you can do together. You can give a Couples Massage. You can give a gift certificate to a great restaurant. You can give tennis lessons. You can give sessions with the person's trainer. You can give -- if it's a man trying to give a new woman in their life a gift -- a great gift is a facial or body treatment at that person's favorite spa.
Bethanne Patrick: Oh! These are all wonderful! Now in terms of not going overboard, are there other things when you're further along -- let's say it's your first married Christmas -- are there things you should and should not do in terms of that person's family and gift giving?
Star Jones Reynolds: Well, in terms of family, my mother had it down to a science. She basically, in my opinion, locked in Al for me by the first gift she ever gave him. My mom went and bought Al a grey cashmere sweater. And it is his favorite thing on earth since he got it and now. She found out from me something that she liked, but that she could afford, which I think is really a good test of when you are giving gifts to family members. It's always nice to give something that, again, is not too over the top, but is thoughtful. If you know your significant other's parents enjoy a great bottle of wine: do a little research on what a modest wine that won an award would be. That's a perfect gift to bring.
Bethanne Patrick: Do you have other suggestions for new traditions that a couple can do together? You were mentioning you're traveling together.
Star Jones Reynolds: Well Al and I started off our relationship, almost from the beginning, traveling. We met in November and we traveled to Jamaica that Christmas. The thing is, don't put pressure on yourself to share the same room if that's not where your relationship is. That's number one. Number two: when you get to a location, don't put pressure on yourself to be together every single moment. That's what can scare someone if it's a brand new relationship. If it's not a new relationship and you think this could be the one, then add a little more time together. Because that's one of my tips in 'Shine': If you don't enjoy each other's company, you're really going to be in trouble.
Bethanne Patrick: What do you do if you're not sure that person is the one? Should you be taking a trip with them over something so emotionally charged as the holiday season?
Star Jones Reynolds: A lot of people would advise that you not take a trip if you're not sure. But for me, that would be probably one of the ways that would convince me whether or not I was sure. Because if you don't enjoy someone's company, that is going to be the first 'Uh oh' sign that they are not the one. That's one tip. The second part of that tip is: traveling together. Traveling together brings out the best and the worst in someone. You really can get an opportunity to find out if you are compatible. And my third part is something that, again, I write about in 'Shine' and it's the thing that sort of brings it home for a lot of people: holidays can be stressful. It's one of the most stressful times of the year for most people. And then add a new relationship to it. If I start to think through what kind of person I want in my life for the rest of my life, I think, 'In my most stressful times, can that person be there for me?' How does that person handle stress? And this would be your third way of testing if this relationship is the one.
Bethanne Patrick: Do you have other tips as far as keeping the stress at bay when you are in that permanent relationship?
Star Jones Reynolds: Well during the holidays it's easy: 'It's the holidays, don't add to it.' Okay? Enjoy yourself. Also remember this is the time for giving back -- do something together that allows you to touch other people's lives. That's always a great thing when you're doing that. Stress-free also is: do not put pressure on yourself to make it more than it is. 'Christmas Eve! Oh my God! New Year's Eve! I must be ... he must be in love! He must kiss me right at midnight!' You are putting pressure on yourself to make something permanent that might not be permanent. And here's my number one tip in a relationship: a date is not always a mate. It's alright.
Bethanne Patrick: A date is not always a mate. That is something that everyone needs to remember. Now another thing you talk about, I know, in 'Shine' is taking something negative in your personality and making it into a positive when you're on that road towards fulfillment. Could you talk about that in terms of the holidays in terms of these stresses for us for a couple of moments?
Star Jones Reynolds: Well, you know, one of my probably most negative personality traits is I am a complete control freak. And I mean a complete control freak. During vacations they call me 'Julia, the cruise director.' That is how much of a control freak I am. And that can be annoying to a lot of people. The way I've made it into a positive is to be organized, but for someone else. So in other words, if I'm planning a trip, make sure I'm planning something that would make other people enjoy.
Bethanne Patrick: What are you hoping for this year? What would make your holidays the most stress-free that they could be -- from either his side or someone else's side?
Star Jones Reynolds: I want to sit on the beach and watch the water roll in and roll out. All I want to do is rest. You know why? Because starting January 6th, I start a ten week long, 75 day book tour.
Bethanne Patrick: I am tired now just hearing that.
Star Jones Reynolds: I know. Ten weeks. Every weekend. Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I will be on the road for ten straight weeks talking about 'Shine' and bringing the 'Shine' tour to local communities all around the country. So I know that the ability to sleep in, to do some yoga, to walk on the beach with Al, to play with my puppy Pinkie -- is going to be the greatest gift I could give myself.
