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Bethanne Patrick: And then if you share what you've been thinking, that's one step on the way to strengthening the bond.

Keith Ablow: Absolutely. This is a catastrophe when partners find out that one or the other has been unfaithful, in general it's an incredibly dramatic and incredibly emotionally-laden moment. But it can be the moment when people decide, 'You know what, let's be more intimate rather than less. This is something that happened in your life, therefore it happened in our lives and we're going to make it part of our continuing, deepening, textured, long story together.'

Bethanne Patrick: Now, men and women -- often people say that they cheat for different reasons. Is this true in your experience and, if it is, how do those reasons end up affecting a marriage at a crossroads like this?

Keith Ablow: It's not my experience and I've had the benefit of sitting with many, many women and many, many men who are confronting infidelity in their spouses, with their husbands and wives. It may have been that years ago this cliché was a fact, but today I sit with lots of women for instance who you might say that they cheat in order to enjoy an emotional bond with another man. I find there are [also] many women who find their way to my office, who say 'I did it because of the sex. It was really good sex, and you know what, I don't feel guilty about it.'

Bethanne Patrick: I'm sorry that I'm laughing, but you're exactly right. I mean, so many people say, 'Women cheat because they're looking for intimacy, women cheat because they need a friend,' but you're saying they did it for the sex.

Keith Ablow: Yeah, and maybe the most striking difference that I find is that the women who admit these things to me do not feel guilty. In fact, most of them have said to me, 'What makes me really mad is that I waited 20 years while my relationship was passionless and I felt as though I had to go through the motions to have this incredible experience.' That's what I've heard. And then what I say to people is, 'Maybe you can take that kind of energy and reproduce it, rebirth your marriage, to contain elements of this,' because the truth is most people come to what they believe is the end of their marriages in the middle. They think their relationship has run its course, when what they've come to is the end of the way in which their weaknesses have connected with one another.

Bethanne Patrick: Can that happen at different times? Can that happen at five years, 10 years, 20 years, or does this tend to happen at a certain point?

Keith Ablow: No it can happen at any time. But I would say more like five or 10 years than 20, because first of all the pathology can be long-lasting so you can conclude that your marriage is essentially without life and then live in it without any real energy in the marriage for a decade. But after five or ten or fifteen years I find that there are many people who realize, 'You know what, we got married because our weaknesses linked up almost perfectly. You were a controlling man, and I was a dependant woman, and you haven't let me grow because you're scared of it, and I was frightened to do it.' Now you can do one of two things at that moment. You can say, 'Well, therefore it's over.' Or you can say 'What a beautiful love story it would be if you helped me be less dependant and gave up some of your power and I helped you accept a stronger woman in your life.' See that's called a marriage, and most people don't get to it.

Bethanne Patrick: That's very, very powerful stuff and it leads me to believe that we're going to be speaking with you again for our podcasts. We've been speaking with Dr. Keith Ablow, author of 'Inside the Mind of Scott Peterson.' Thank you so much, Keith, for speaking with us today at AOL Coaches.

Keith Ablow: No problem. Just give me that date for the house call and we'll go through all the stuff in your room.

Bethanne Patrick: Will do! Thank you again!

Keith Ablow: No problem.

Bethanne Patrick: This is Bethanne Patrick for AOL Coaches.