Find Time for Intimacy
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Jillian St.Charles: Let's talk about the holidays because they're coming up. It seems to me that everyone gets a lot busier this time of year. What effect do the holidays have on most people's relationships?
Lana Holstein: I think it's the effect that our busy, busy lives have on our relationship, only it's stepped up a notch. On top of the usual things that we're coping with, there's all the shopping and the parties and all of the entertaining that we do to create a wonderful holiday season. I think often we tend to forget our mate in the middle of all of that.
Jillian St. Charles: Where does sex usually fall on the priority list when we're busy or stressed like this?
Lana Holstein: It tends to go to the bottom of the list. That's a pretty normal thing for a lot of people because we tend to think, 'I'll get around to that when all of this craziness is finished.' The problem is that the longer you go from having sex or an intimate connection, the longer you go. The cycle feeds back on itself.
Jillian St. Charles: Why is that?
Lana Holstein: I think that there is a certain inertia that we all have regarding sexuality. When this inertia takes over, as time goes on we feel we can't quite cross the canyon that exists between us and our partner to get back to 'intimacy mode.' We're often talking a lot, and so we're working together as a team, but we're not very intimate.
Jillian St. Charles: How do you go about crossing back over that canyon?
Lana Holstein: One of the things that I tell people to do constantly is to use touch. It's very simple but it's very effective. You can both be in the kitchen, and when you walk by your partner you can just touch his neck or touch his back or give him a real kiss instead of a peck on the cheek – those casual touches really take no time at all but they maintain the connection that you have with your partner.
Jillian St. Charles: This is a question that I think a lot of women ask each other late at night on the phone – something that we all know does not have one simple answer: how much sex is enough? How long can you go before you should start to think there might be a problem? What's normal?
Lana Holstein: Unfortunately 'normal' really is impossible to define when it comes to sexuality. I've had couples over the years that have sex once a month; it's a very elaborate affair and they spend a lot of time on it and they feel perfectly fine with that. I have couples that have sex once a day and it's kind of perfunctory and mechanical and it's not so great. So there is such a difference, not only in quantity but in quality. I think one of the things we have to look at is how we can use sex to re-energize us. We forget that sex can improve our own energy, which is exactly what we want during this holiday season. It releases a cascade of chemicals – norepinephrine and dopamine – and those chemicals are energizing chemicals. It releases endorphins, and those are the ones that are our bodies' natural morphine. It also releases oxytocin which is the chemical that is released when a mother is nursing her baby – it's a bonding chemical. But it's also released in men during sex. It's part of the reason that, after you've had sex, the things that were irritating you before don't matter so much anymore.
Jillian St. Charles: What's one thing a woman can do to keep her sex life heated up over the holidays?
Lana Holstein: I think she just has to pay attention to it and put it at the top of her priority list. If it were me and I knew I had a tendency to forget about my partner during the holiday season, I would just post a word up somewhere I can see it all the time. Something like 'Intimacy' or 'I love this man.' Post something that highlights the fact that all of the holiday trappings are really nothing if I don't have a good relationship with my partner.
Jillian St. Charles: What's the one piece of advice you might have for a man?
Lana Holstein: For a man it really is making sure that your woman can relax into the space you create for her. If she's worn out and tired, you want to fold her into your arms, you want to soothe her, you want to say 'Hey, put those packages down and we'll sit down and have a glass of wine together.' You do this without demanding more, because women are often at their edge and if they get a whiff of this feeling that their mate wants sex, then it just feels like, 'Here's another task.' If you can really 'love on your woman' a little bit without necessarily needing it to go further right that moment, she's going to be able to feel much more connected to her body and to you.
Jillian St. Charles: Let's say I take your advice: I'm going to prioritize my sex life – I'm going to put it at the top of my list. What if my partner isn't feeling quite as enthusiastic about it? Is there anything I can do about that?
Lana Holstein: Again, I think it's about not feeling like you have a set agenda. Maybe he's wrung out himself, but he would probably enjoy a foot rub or a back rub. He probably would like to be reminded that the two of you could just take a bath together. Once again, by going back to the sensual dimension we get back in touch with our bodies and that's very nourishing for both men and women.
Jillian St. Charles: What's the best holiday gift I can give my sex life?
Lana Holstein: I think the best holiday gift you can give your sex life is to pay attention to it and to really make sure it doesn't get sidelined during this great season of love and warmth and joyfulness.
Lana Holstein: I think it's the effect that our busy, busy lives have on our relationship, only it's stepped up a notch. On top of the usual things that we're coping with, there's all the shopping and the parties and all of the entertaining that we do to create a wonderful holiday season. I think often we tend to forget our mate in the middle of all of that.
Jillian St. Charles: Where does sex usually fall on the priority list when we're busy or stressed like this?
Lana Holstein: It tends to go to the bottom of the list. That's a pretty normal thing for a lot of people because we tend to think, 'I'll get around to that when all of this craziness is finished.' The problem is that the longer you go from having sex or an intimate connection, the longer you go. The cycle feeds back on itself.
Jillian St. Charles: Why is that?
Lana Holstein: I think that there is a certain inertia that we all have regarding sexuality. When this inertia takes over, as time goes on we feel we can't quite cross the canyon that exists between us and our partner to get back to 'intimacy mode.' We're often talking a lot, and so we're working together as a team, but we're not very intimate.
Jillian St. Charles: How do you go about crossing back over that canyon?
Lana Holstein: One of the things that I tell people to do constantly is to use touch. It's very simple but it's very effective. You can both be in the kitchen, and when you walk by your partner you can just touch his neck or touch his back or give him a real kiss instead of a peck on the cheek – those casual touches really take no time at all but they maintain the connection that you have with your partner.
Jillian St. Charles: This is a question that I think a lot of women ask each other late at night on the phone – something that we all know does not have one simple answer: how much sex is enough? How long can you go before you should start to think there might be a problem? What's normal?
Lana Holstein: Unfortunately 'normal' really is impossible to define when it comes to sexuality. I've had couples over the years that have sex once a month; it's a very elaborate affair and they spend a lot of time on it and they feel perfectly fine with that. I have couples that have sex once a day and it's kind of perfunctory and mechanical and it's not so great. So there is such a difference, not only in quantity but in quality. I think one of the things we have to look at is how we can use sex to re-energize us. We forget that sex can improve our own energy, which is exactly what we want during this holiday season. It releases a cascade of chemicals – norepinephrine and dopamine – and those chemicals are energizing chemicals. It releases endorphins, and those are the ones that are our bodies' natural morphine. It also releases oxytocin which is the chemical that is released when a mother is nursing her baby – it's a bonding chemical. But it's also released in men during sex. It's part of the reason that, after you've had sex, the things that were irritating you before don't matter so much anymore.
Jillian St. Charles: What's one thing a woman can do to keep her sex life heated up over the holidays?
Lana Holstein: I think she just has to pay attention to it and put it at the top of her priority list. If it were me and I knew I had a tendency to forget about my partner during the holiday season, I would just post a word up somewhere I can see it all the time. Something like 'Intimacy' or 'I love this man.' Post something that highlights the fact that all of the holiday trappings are really nothing if I don't have a good relationship with my partner.
Jillian St. Charles: What's the one piece of advice you might have for a man?
Lana Holstein: For a man it really is making sure that your woman can relax into the space you create for her. If she's worn out and tired, you want to fold her into your arms, you want to soothe her, you want to say 'Hey, put those packages down and we'll sit down and have a glass of wine together.' You do this without demanding more, because women are often at their edge and if they get a whiff of this feeling that their mate wants sex, then it just feels like, 'Here's another task.' If you can really 'love on your woman' a little bit without necessarily needing it to go further right that moment, she's going to be able to feel much more connected to her body and to you.
Jillian St. Charles: Let's say I take your advice: I'm going to prioritize my sex life – I'm going to put it at the top of my list. What if my partner isn't feeling quite as enthusiastic about it? Is there anything I can do about that?
Lana Holstein: Again, I think it's about not feeling like you have a set agenda. Maybe he's wrung out himself, but he would probably enjoy a foot rub or a back rub. He probably would like to be reminded that the two of you could just take a bath together. Once again, by going back to the sensual dimension we get back in touch with our bodies and that's very nourishing for both men and women.
Jillian St. Charles: What's the best holiday gift I can give my sex life?
Lana Holstein: I think the best holiday gift you can give your sex life is to pay attention to it and to really make sure it doesn't get sidelined during this great season of love and warmth and joyfulness.
