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What can women do to bring men to the table and start building a 21st century marriage?
Women need to be proactive, helpful, and rewarding. First, sit down and make a list of what needs to change in your relationship. It’ll probably come out first as negatives. Change all the negatives to positives—don’t tell your partner what he’s doing wrong, but what he could do that would be right. Try to work with your partner and really teach him what you’re after, be specific, and spell out behaviors. Help him succeed. And you have to be willing to rock the boat, let him know that you’re serious about it. Be moderate and firm. And then, when your partner does make an effort to do what you’re asking for, reward his efforts. Make it worth his while to keep it up.
Will men be happier with the new rules of marriage?
Absolutely. First of all, learning to be more relational is intrinsically rewarding, and makes us healthier both emotionally and physically. We humans are designed for connection. It’s how we’re wired, and it’s what most deeply satisfies. Rich social connection, or its lack, is more and more seen as a critical factor in our physical well being—as salient as exercise, nutrition, even smoking.
What can women do to bring men to the table and start building a 21st century marriage?
Women need to be proactive, helpful, and rewarding. First, sit down and make a list of what needs to change in your relationship. It’ll probably come out first as negatives. Change all the negatives to positives—don’t tell your partner what he’s doing wrong, but what he could do that would be right. Try to work with your partner and really teach him what you’re after, be specific, and spell out behaviors. Help him succeed. And you have to be willing to rock the boat, let him know that you’re serious about it. Be moderate and firm. And then, when your partner does make an effort to do what you’re asking for, reward his efforts. Make it worth his while to keep it up.
Will men be happier with the new rules of marriage?
Absolutely. First of all, learning to be more relational is intrinsically rewarding, and makes us healthier both emotionally and physically. We humans are designed for connection. It’s how we’re wired, and it’s what most deeply satisfies. Rich social connection, or its lack, is more and more seen as a critical factor in our physical well being—as salient as exercise, nutrition, even smoking.
In addition, learning the new rules will make men happy because they’ll have happier wives. Most men aren’t all that unhappy in their marriages. They’re unhappy that their women are so unhappy with them. Men don’t bring women into therapy complaining, “We’re just not as close as we used to be.” Universally, when I speak to men alone they confide, ‘You know, things aren’t really that bad around here. If you could just get her to…you know…get off my back…”
How would you define true intimacy and is it possible to achieve this intimacy in a marriage?
At the everyday level, intimacy just means sharing—intellectually, emotionally, physically, sexually, and spiritually. At the big picture level, intimacy is about the conjunction of love and truth, being who you really are to each other while remaining compassionate. Real intimacy means telling the truth lovingly, and loving both yourself and your partner without backing away from the truth
What steps can we take to pave the way toward intimacy?
Lay the groundwork first. You have to clear the decks by dealing with any untreated psychiatric problem like depression or bad anxiety. You have to deal with issues of self -medication. You need to deal with any kind of acting out, either sexual or aggressive. You can’t work if it’s not safe to tell the truth—if there’s a real threat of retaliation, either physical or financial. Finally, you need a few self-skills in place—some solidity in one’s self-esteem and decent boundaries.
In THE NEW RULES OF MARRIAGE, you talk about “relationship repair.” What is “relationship repair” and what can this process do for couples in trouble?
Even in the best of relationships, things sometimes go off course. It’s critical that you have a working mechanism of repair—a way to get back on track. Trying to have a healthy marriage without relationship repair is like driving without a steering wheel—and often with much the same results.
Can you practice relationship empowerment on your own or do you have to do it as a couple?
You can absolutely practice on your own. Even if your partner shows no interest in any of these skills, you can begin using them. Let him see their effectiveness by showing him rather than telling him. Imagine, your partner’s geared up for the usual fight and instead you answer with, “Is there something I could say or do right now that would help you feel better?” How disarming would that be?
How would you define true intimacy and is it possible to achieve this intimacy in a marriage?
At the everyday level, intimacy just means sharing—intellectually, emotionally, physically, sexually, and spiritually. At the big picture level, intimacy is about the conjunction of love and truth, being who you really are to each other while remaining compassionate. Real intimacy means telling the truth lovingly, and loving both yourself and your partner without backing away from the truth
What steps can we take to pave the way toward intimacy?
Lay the groundwork first. You have to clear the decks by dealing with any untreated psychiatric problem like depression or bad anxiety. You have to deal with issues of self -medication. You need to deal with any kind of acting out, either sexual or aggressive. You can’t work if it’s not safe to tell the truth—if there’s a real threat of retaliation, either physical or financial. Finally, you need a few self-skills in place—some solidity in one’s self-esteem and decent boundaries.
In THE NEW RULES OF MARRIAGE, you talk about “relationship repair.” What is “relationship repair” and what can this process do for couples in trouble?
Even in the best of relationships, things sometimes go off course. It’s critical that you have a working mechanism of repair—a way to get back on track. Trying to have a healthy marriage without relationship repair is like driving without a steering wheel—and often with much the same results.
Can you practice relationship empowerment on your own or do you have to do it as a couple?
You can absolutely practice on your own. Even if your partner shows no interest in any of these skills, you can begin using them. Let him see their effectiveness by showing him rather than telling him. Imagine, your partner’s geared up for the usual fight and instead you answer with, “Is there something I could say or do right now that would help you feel better?” How disarming would that be?
Sex and Health Advice
AOL Coaches can help spice up your life between the sheets.
- Good Sex Is a Skill
- Score Points With a Woman
- Score Points With a Man
- Is He the One?
- Great Sex Every Time
- Pleasing a Woman in the Bedroom
- Pleasing a Man in the Bedroom
That said, you’re going to need a basically decent, accountable person on the other end of the see-saw if you’re going to be fulfilled. You can certainly make things a lot better all on our own. But you can’t play out both sides of the relationship yourself.
You place such an emphasis on cherishing. Why is it important to cherish what we have as couples, and as families?
At the most practical level, cherishing is a great tactic. Mostly what we do in relationships is stand back, wait for our partners to fail, and then criticize them for doing it wrong. That’s got to be about the worst behavioral modification program I’ve ever heard of. Reaching in and reinforcing the best part of your partner is often a winner. Even if there’s no behavior to cherish, then cherish his good intentions. Find something to like about him—and build from it.
On a deeper level, cherishing is a life-changing skill for many of us. We’re so preoccupied with getting or not getting. It may sound odd, but many of us have to actually learn how to have, how to enjoy the abundance of our lives. Cherishing what we have—in ourselves, in our relationships—puts us on the right track. We enjoy what we’ve been given and invite more of it.
You place such an emphasis on cherishing. Why is it important to cherish what we have as couples, and as families?
At the most practical level, cherishing is a great tactic. Mostly what we do in relationships is stand back, wait for our partners to fail, and then criticize them for doing it wrong. That’s got to be about the worst behavioral modification program I’ve ever heard of. Reaching in and reinforcing the best part of your partner is often a winner. Even if there’s no behavior to cherish, then cherish his good intentions. Find something to like about him—and build from it.
On a deeper level, cherishing is a life-changing skill for many of us. We’re so preoccupied with getting or not getting. It may sound odd, but many of us have to actually learn how to have, how to enjoy the abundance of our lives. Cherishing what we have—in ourselves, in our relationships—puts us on the right track. We enjoy what we’ve been given and invite more of it.
