How would you characterize the current state of marriage?

We’re in a time of great opportunity but also great danger. I don’t think people fully understand that the institution of marriage itself is undergoing a revolutionary transformation. If you have the skills to ride this wave of change, it can carry you to a wonderful new place. But if you don’t have the skills, you may well be pulled under. 40-50% of marriages end in divorce. For the first time on record, there are more unmarried than married people in the U.S. And how many of the couples that do stay together seem really happy? Look around. How many really great relationships do you see? I think the evidence is everywhere. If, as a man or a woman, you do what ‘comes naturally,’ the dead-on odds are that you will not be fulfilled.

What does the 21st century marriage look like?

Like nothing we’ve ever seen before. For the first time, we are not just giving lip-service to romantic ideals, we expect to live them.

The 20th century marriage, like marriages stretching back over centuries, was a companionship marriage. Husband and wife stood together, raised children, were good citizens, faced war, illness, economic ups and downs. Men worked, women took care of the family, and marriage meant being good partners.

But now the bar has been raised. The 21st century marriage is a truly intimate marriage, not just sexually, but intellectually, physically, spiritually, and above all emotionally. We still want all the things our parents had. But we’ve grafted onto the traditional companionship marriage the qualities of relationships that lovers have—heart-to-heart talks, great sex, long walks on the beach. For previous generations, this was for kids, for early-stage relationships or, for some, for affairs. But today, we truly want to be lifelong lovers. The problem is that most of us don’t posses a set of relational skills that are nearly as sophisticated, or as ambitious, as our new vision is. We have the appetite but not the means to satisfy it. You can’t have a 21st century relationship using 20th century skills. We have an historically new and potentially wonderful destination, but we need a roadmap and tools to get there.

Do you believe that every marriage can be saved? Should every marriage be saved?

I absolutely do not believe that all marriages can or should be saved. If you’re convinced that your partner is too unaccountable to tolerate reasonable demands, then that’s a tip-off that you need professional help. Staying married to an addict, alcoholic, or rager who’s not interested in help is nothing I’d wish on anyone I cared about. And it’s nothing I’d wish on the children. Here’s the bottom line: you make a deep commitment to the idea that being in a relationship in which you are cherished and in which you can be cherishing is your birthright. Being in a fundamentally uncherishing relationship is unhealthy for you, for your children, and even for your uncherishing partner.

How have feminism and women’s empowerment paradoxically decreased the chance that women will be happy in their marriages?

Two ways, one good and one not so good. The positive impact has been the raising of the bar. For the first time in history, women don’t depend on marriage to survive. So, there has to be something more than a paycheck to keep them. Today, 70% of divorce is initiated by women. Why is that? Because women can leave a bad marriage.

The only organized response to this shake-up in marriage has been a conservative backlash, whether it’s the far Christian right, or million-man marchers, or authors pushing us to not ask for too much. If only we would just go back to the way things were in the ‘fifties, all would be well—to which I say, ‘Don’t hold your breath.’ The genie of women’s empowerment is not getting stuffed back into the bottle. We can’t go backwards.

I encourage couples to look forward. I want men to stand up and meet them. It won’t hurt guys to learn a few relationship basics. Because women are right in what they’re asking for. More intimate relationships are a legitimate and healthy thing to want. Feminism has empowered women not to compromise.

Is that a good thing for the institution of marriage?

The negative effect of feminism, and of most of the growth and empowerment movements that sprang up toward the end of the 20th century, lies in their anti-relational bias. I draw a distinction between personal empowerment and relational empowerment.

Personal empowerment reads as: I was weak. Now I’m strong. Go screw yourself! Anyone standing up and saying, “I’m mad as hell at how my spouse treats me and I’m not going to take it anymore!” will have tons of friends, therapists, codependency sponsors, jumping up on their chairs saying, “Go girl!” But I think they’re all dead wrong. It may be a move up from silence to indignation, but it’s not a move closer toward a healthy relationship. Relationship empowerment says: I’m going to bring my strength into our relationship. I am empowered enough to speak up and insist on what I need. And I’m equally passionate about empowering you, dear partner, to rise up and deliver for me. Because I love you. I want you to succeed. In fact, what can I do to help out?” Relationship empowerment is the new rule, the roadmap for 21st century relationships.