Keep Your Relationship Alive
Learn how to save your marriage from a divorce by getting tips from the source: divorce lawyer Wendy Jaffe. Plus get great tips and advice on how to strengthen your relationship from all of the AOL Love & Sex Coaches.
- Listen to Wendy's Interview Podcast
- New: Signs You're Headed For a Divorce
- Buy Wendy's Book, 'The Divorce Lawyers' Guide...'
- Get More Tips From Wendy Jaffe
- Visit Wendy's Web Site
- More Love, Sex & Self-Help Interviews
More Tips and Advice From AOL Coaches
Bethanne Patrick: It might sound a little counterintuitive, but definitely you are the divorce lawyer with [relationship] advice for people. What are the most common reasons divorce happens? Why does divorce occur?
Wendy Jaffe: Well, Let me back-track one moment. This book is not just based on what I saw when I worked in family law; it's based on conversations with 100 of the top divorce lawyers all across the country. So what I did was I asked them, 'What are the main causes of divorce?' And it turned out there are nine symptoms of divorce.
Bethanne Patrick: And the nine symptoms of divorce are?
Wendy Jaffe: The first symptom -- you won't be surprised to learn -- is sex; we'll go back later and we'll talk about exactly how sex is a factor in divorce.
The second symptom of divorce is unrealistic expectations: people really have, in this day in age, still, this very 'fantasy' idea about marriage -- that love is all you need. Love is not all you need and there are a lot of unrealistic expectations of people who have that view.
The third symptom of divorce is money -- and this is a really interesting symptom because it's not what people think: people have this perception that couples that don't have a lot of money are the ones that get divorced. But I can tell you from practicing in a Beverly Hills law firm: the amount of money does not cause the divorce; it's how people handle that money.
Bethanne Patrick: And number four?
Wendy Jaffe: The fourth symptom of divorce is communication. And, again that won't be a surprise to people, but we've heard really vague descriptions of communication in the past, and in my book I try to tell people exactly how and where the communication breaks down.
Symptom number five is control. This is really a big one, and I heard this from a lot of divorce lawyers. It comes from everything from your spouse controlling you to in-laws trying to control you. Wherever the power's not balanced in the relationship, it really causes problems.
The sixth symptom of divorce is what I call mental challenges and physical addictions. These include things like mental illness, when people get depressed, when people have other types of mental disorders or physical addictions. This is really a major cause of divorce, from alcoholism to drugs like oxycontin, vicodin, etc…
Bethanne Patrick: To depression as well.
Wendy Jaffe: Exactly. Depression. You really have a big secret in America: how many people have mental issues and how many people have drug issues and sometimes those two are related.
The seventh symptom of divorce has to do with people who are on a second, third or forth marriage. Think of Elizabeth Taylor here. And they have very unique symptoms of divorce because even though they've learned from their first relationship, they have a whole new set of problems involving stepchildren, ex-husbands and ex-wives. Those really cause a lot of problems for a second or third marriage.
The eighth symptom of divorce is a real catchall: I call it growing apart. It's everything from what I call the 'kid-aholics' -- women who are nearly exclusively focused on their children and don't spend any time on their husband -- to having completely different goals and values, to having different hobbies and interests.
The ninth symptom of divorce is one that a lot of attorneys mention: a simple lack of commitment. Many divorce attorneys feel that people get divorced today for reasons that are … at the drop of a hat. Things that are just so minor that cause people to walk away from marriage. It's this whole 'grass is greener' feeling in America today that is just not the case.
Bethanne Patrick: Now that we've gone through the nine symptoms -- which are a lot -- is there one or two that are much more common than the others?
Wendy Jaffe: Well, let's talk about sex and money because, not only are they very common, they're really misunderstood. People have this impression that the sex problems that cause divorce are couples arguing over, 'Should it be once a week? Should it be twice a week? Should the lights be on? Should the lights be off?' Those are not the sex issues that cause divorce. What divorce lawyers are saying is that people who aren't having sex at all or have very, very low sex marriages … they have people come in their offices and say they haven't had sex for a year or two years to five years. One lawyer I interviewed said he had a couple that was married for 20 years who had never consummated their marriage. While that's unusual, the issue of low-sex and no-sex marriages isn't. Again that is a big secret that people don't realize.
Another sex issue that people need to be aware of is the whole issue involving Internet pornography. We are seeing so many cases involving men who become addicted to Internet pornography. In the old days you had to go to your 7-Eleven to get a Playboy magazine. You had to worry about someone finding it. [Internet pornography] is so easy: you just have to walk over to your home computer and you have access to every type of pornography that there is.
Wendy Jaffe: Well, Let me back-track one moment. This book is not just based on what I saw when I worked in family law; it's based on conversations with 100 of the top divorce lawyers all across the country. So what I did was I asked them, 'What are the main causes of divorce?' And it turned out there are nine symptoms of divorce.
Bethanne Patrick: And the nine symptoms of divorce are?
Wendy Jaffe: The first symptom -- you won't be surprised to learn -- is sex; we'll go back later and we'll talk about exactly how sex is a factor in divorce.
The second symptom of divorce is unrealistic expectations: people really have, in this day in age, still, this very 'fantasy' idea about marriage -- that love is all you need. Love is not all you need and there are a lot of unrealistic expectations of people who have that view.
The third symptom of divorce is money -- and this is a really interesting symptom because it's not what people think: people have this perception that couples that don't have a lot of money are the ones that get divorced. But I can tell you from practicing in a Beverly Hills law firm: the amount of money does not cause the divorce; it's how people handle that money.
Bethanne Patrick: And number four?
Wendy Jaffe: The fourth symptom of divorce is communication. And, again that won't be a surprise to people, but we've heard really vague descriptions of communication in the past, and in my book I try to tell people exactly how and where the communication breaks down.
Symptom number five is control. This is really a big one, and I heard this from a lot of divorce lawyers. It comes from everything from your spouse controlling you to in-laws trying to control you. Wherever the power's not balanced in the relationship, it really causes problems.
The sixth symptom of divorce is what I call mental challenges and physical addictions. These include things like mental illness, when people get depressed, when people have other types of mental disorders or physical addictions. This is really a major cause of divorce, from alcoholism to drugs like oxycontin, vicodin, etc…
Bethanne Patrick: To depression as well.
Wendy Jaffe: Exactly. Depression. You really have a big secret in America: how many people have mental issues and how many people have drug issues and sometimes those two are related.
The seventh symptom of divorce has to do with people who are on a second, third or forth marriage. Think of Elizabeth Taylor here. And they have very unique symptoms of divorce because even though they've learned from their first relationship, they have a whole new set of problems involving stepchildren, ex-husbands and ex-wives. Those really cause a lot of problems for a second or third marriage.
The eighth symptom of divorce is a real catchall: I call it growing apart. It's everything from what I call the 'kid-aholics' -- women who are nearly exclusively focused on their children and don't spend any time on their husband -- to having completely different goals and values, to having different hobbies and interests.
The ninth symptom of divorce is one that a lot of attorneys mention: a simple lack of commitment. Many divorce attorneys feel that people get divorced today for reasons that are … at the drop of a hat. Things that are just so minor that cause people to walk away from marriage. It's this whole 'grass is greener' feeling in America today that is just not the case.
Bethanne Patrick: Now that we've gone through the nine symptoms -- which are a lot -- is there one or two that are much more common than the others?
Wendy Jaffe: Well, let's talk about sex and money because, not only are they very common, they're really misunderstood. People have this impression that the sex problems that cause divorce are couples arguing over, 'Should it be once a week? Should it be twice a week? Should the lights be on? Should the lights be off?' Those are not the sex issues that cause divorce. What divorce lawyers are saying is that people who aren't having sex at all or have very, very low sex marriages … they have people come in their offices and say they haven't had sex for a year or two years to five years. One lawyer I interviewed said he had a couple that was married for 20 years who had never consummated their marriage. While that's unusual, the issue of low-sex and no-sex marriages isn't. Again that is a big secret that people don't realize.
Another sex issue that people need to be aware of is the whole issue involving Internet pornography. We are seeing so many cases involving men who become addicted to Internet pornography. In the old days you had to go to your 7-Eleven to get a Playboy magazine. You had to worry about someone finding it. [Internet pornography] is so easy: you just have to walk over to your home computer and you have access to every type of pornography that there is.
