Ian Kerner, author of 'He Comes Next: The Thinking Woman’s Guide to Pleasuring a Man' was recently interviewed by AOL Book Maven Bethanne Patrick. Here are excerpts of that interview:

Bethanne Patrick: So, this is the new book about other people’s pleasure. So who comes first, who comes next, who’s on first.... I'm kidding but we want to know, why the titles are about what they are?

Ian Kerner: Well, you know 'She Comes First' was obviously a pun on the idea of ladies first and sexual courtesy. Ya' know when Lorraina Bobbit was questioned by police as to why she cut off her husband’s penis she said,'he always has an orgasm and he doesn’t wait for me.' So augh....

Bethanne Patrick: This is an issue.

Ian Kerner: I think a little bit of courtesy goes a long way -- especially in the bedroom. On a more serious note, as a sex therapist working with primarily young couple in their twenties and thirties, I find that when it comes to sex one of the biggest problems that women still experience is an inability to really fully enjoy sex with their partner. A lot of women come to me and they sort of say what’s wrong with me, what am I doing wrong? And I think implicit in that question is sort of an internalized guilt. So I really wanted to flip it around and sorta’ of show guys first and foremost in 'She Comes First' how to respect, appreciate, understand and ultimately satisfy female sexuality. To answer your question, she comes first and she will always come first.

Bethanne Patrick: That is what we love to hear, but is there a reason that she comes first? Is there a reason why it is harder for women? You’re a sex therapist you have seen this. You have seen the difficulty that women have in their sexual lives. Is there a reason that he comes next?

Ian Kerner: There are few reasons: first of all, we have this culturally inscribed idea that intercourse is the holly grail of sex. It’s the be-all-end-all, it’s the run around the basis, it’s the thing that we are all striving for, it’s the adult real experience of sex, but in fact intercourse -- alas while it is the primary means of reproduction -- it is not the primary mean of producing pleasure. So I think that one of the biggest problems is that we get stuck in the intercourse discourse. I think that so many men get their ideas about sex from porn and locker-room banter that guys never get a real understanding of female sexuality. I think the biggest issue when we are in a relationship -- when we are part of a couple -- we are comfortable talking about everything except our sex lives. I think it is really a lack of communication.

Bethanne Patrick: When someone’s libido is lagging and they are a thousand mile away from their partner next to them, what is your number one piece of advice for them?

Ian Kerner: The key is to take foreplay out of the bedroom. Stop thinking of desire as these two or three moments that precede arousal and that we should be able to turn on and off like a light switch. [Start] to think of desire more like the air that we breath; the beginning, the middle, the end of sex, all the points in between and not just those few moments at the start. I always encourage couples to take foreplay out of the bedroom and encourage each others minds by create[ing] sexual anticipation. It’s funny because I work with couples and very often they are trying to take their sexual fantasies into action [by] having a ménage à trois or having sex in public. What I’ve found time-and-time-again is that fantasy is more powerful when it remains inside the imagination.

In that sense, our minds are our biggest sex organs and I think we spend too little time stimulating each other minds and too much just trying to stimulate each others genitals.

Bethanne Patrick: When you say 'take foreplay out of the bedroom.' You don’t necessarily mean that people should be in the cloak room at work?

Ian Kerner: Well you know listen there really is no danger in a little playful exhibitionism.

I was working with one couple and she said,'ya know sex has become so boring for me (this was a woman talking) and the best sex I ever had was at the beginning of the relationship when we did it at Wall Mart at midnight in the isle.' I am certainly not encouraging anybody to go out there and get arrested.

Bethanne Patrick: Do not try this at home. AOL Coaches does not endorse this practice.

Ian Kerner: Absolutely not. I don’t want anybody getting thrown in jail. [With] that said, there have to be ways to bring a little bit of excitement into our sex lives. Again, I believe primarily through fantasy and imagination. We very often focus on romance and intimacy which are great for building a relationship and fostering trust in an on going way. But there is also a real place in our lives for sexual excitement and we have to be more comfortable fostering that as well.

Bethanne Patrick: Well that is something that women don’t hear a lot about growing up. We don’t or haven’t in the past, had the same kind of locker-room banter. So with the new book being about men, 'He Comes Next,' what's the most surprising thing women will learn about men that you reveal in this one?

Ian Kerner: I definitely spent a lot of time talking to men about the best sex that they ever had. One conclusion I came up with is the best sex that they [men] have ever had is the best sex that they never had.

Bethanne Patrick: Augh!

Ian Kerner: Fantasies [and] desires [are] things that they are just uncomfortable talking about. I found a lot of men really wanted to allow women to take charge sexually and to be dominated. I’m not talking about leather and whips. A lot of men feel a great pressure to perform, to be in control and to take charge. That leads to a whole host of sexual dysfunctions like erectile disorder and rapid ejaculation. The one thing I would say is that men are expecting a lot of that attitude. And I think for women, it is about translating some of that attitude into action. It is one thing to go watch Sex in the City, to be sexually empowered, to be a feminist and to be sexy, but it is another thing to really take charge of your sexuality and translate that to action.