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Bethanne Patrick: If that is the most surprising thing? Do you think that is also the most useful thing?

Ian Kerner: You know there is a lot that is useful in the book. I try to bring women on a sort of guided tour of the male anatomy. But to really give women a new window or lens through witch to see the male anatomy, as an example, when a guy wakes up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, he has one hand groping in front of him trying to find the light switch and you know what the other hand is doing? Without a doubt it is protecting his privates; protecting his genitals.

What I sort of do is I try to build off of that idea. To say that in many ways male sexuality is very protected, is very guarded, and there are a lot of layers both physiological and psychological. That results in a very limited sort of controlled experience of sex beginning with the male anatomy and ultimately translate that into techniques. I talk to women in how to open up those levels of protection.

Bethanne Patrick: That certainly is the most surprising thing to me. I would never think of male sexuality as protected and guarded. I would think that a lot of women think vice versa. With that, is there a single problem that you hear about all the time? We talked a few minutes ago about the problems with libidos and that kind of thing. What do you hear?

Ian Kerner: Well, that obviously is a big one; what I would call a desire issue which includes loss of libido and mismatch libido. The other [issue] we really didn’t touch on is sexually incompatibility. You know I think a lot of couples when they first meet and are in the first through(s) of infatuation, a lot of the sex chemicals are doing the hard work. Creating sexual chemistry for us, but once people move out of the infatuation phase sometimes becomes apparent that they really are not as compatible sexually as they thought. As an example, I deal with a lot of couples in which one person is sort of what I would call a less is more. They are very comfortable with sex and they are fine doing it in the bedroom. They like a few positions and that is all they really need to stay engaged and happy. Very often the less is more person is paired with a sexual thrill seeker.

Someone who really needs much more stimuli, much more novelty and newness. I find that a lot of couples have a difficult time navigating that lack of compatibility and figuring out ways to compromise. It is much easier when a less-is-more is paired with a less-is-more. Or on the other end a sexual-thrill-seeker is paired with a sexual-thrill-seeker. What’s hard is when two people from opposite spectrums are paired together.

Bethanne Patrick: Is there a way to bridge that gap?

Ian Kerner: Absolutely.

Bethanne Patrick: That is what your work is all about.

Ian Kerner: That is exactly what my work is all about. Though it is not always successful sometimes the differences are irreconcilable, but very often they are navigable really through communication, meeting each other half way and sharing fantasy. For example, I have one couple and the guy is just hell bent on having a threesome. It is all he can think about. It is all he can talk about. That is all he wants. That is all he feels he is lacking for...

Bethanne Patrick: So like a man, Ian.

Ian Kerner: And she just doesn't want to do it. She can't go there, but what they have found is that if she at least fantasies about it with him [when] they go out, they would flirt and talk about who they would target or who she is attracted to. That really does go a long way to being stimulating and being a turn on. I find that couples are able to find that sort of compromise all the time and make things work.

Bethanne Patrick: In terms of communication, that is what your work is all about. So in terms of work for you we've got 'She Comes First,'we've got 'He Comes Next?' What's next,'They Come Together?'

Ian Kerner: I have another dating book coming up towards the summer in May or June called 'DSI: Date Scene Investigation.'

Bethanne Patrick: Oh, fun. What’s that about?

Ian Kerner: It’s very, very fun. Are you a victim of the crime of the heart? Is your relationship an unsolved mystery? It’s time to look at the dating DNA. It’s kinda’ like an episode of 'CSI,' but following dating case study.

Bethanne Patrick: But sexier. Well we are going to look forward to that and again 'He Comes Next: The Thinking Woman's Guide to Pleasuring A Man' is just out from Regan books. It just came out recently. So, we definitely encourage everyone to take a look at that. We’ve been speaking with Dr. Ian Kerner, the author and noted sex therapist. Thanks Ian for being with us today.

Ian Kerner: My pleasure. Anytime. Take care.

Bethanne Patrick: Thanks. This is Bethanne Patrick with AOL COACHES.