Continued from Page 1

Booty Call Nation

"I knew Mark from my old job, and while I thought he was cute, he was just not relationship material. We met for a drink one night, and one thing led to another. And because I knew him, it felt sort of secure, and he became a fuck buddy -- nothing more. Men can do it, so why can't we?"

-- Cathy, 33, music industry executive, Los Angeles

Cathy's point is well taken. Not only does the current culture permit it, casual sex is encouraged these days. But when did the ball drop? While casual sex has been in existence since the beginning of time (remember Adam and Eve? the Roman orgies?), its genesis as an American cultural movement is often linked with the introduction of the birth control pill in the early 1960s, which helped catalyze the movement for sexual liberation. Women began embracing the power of their sexuality, and the feminist movement was as much about the right to proclaim pleasure as it was about equality elsewhere. No more would women accept sexless marriages and Victorian repression. (The vibrator was actually invented as a way of dealing with "female hysteria," which is what the Victorian medical establishment labeled female sexuality back then.)

The swinging sixties gave way to the hedonistic seventies, when Erica Jong introduced the "Me Generation" to the "zipless fuck," and sex without guilt became an accepted form of female behavior. Women, it seemed, were finally on top, getting it on with anonymous strangers on trains and in elevators. And where were modern men during all of this? On the sidelines, gleefully embracing this newfound "empowerment," of course.

Thanks to the seeds sown by the feminist movement, modern women were earning nearly as much as men by the 1990s, giving them unprecedented financial independence. Unburdened of the need to find a male provider, women were delaying marriage and enjoying dating as a form of sexual gratification. Enter Sex and the City, which exemplified a new form of empowerment: a woman's ability to have sex like a man: pleasure for the sake of pleasure.

And, like Carrie and her cronies, a lot of women today find themselves sleeping with guys they were never really that into to begin with. Again, this world of booty calls and onenight stands is a fine state of affairs if you're getting something out of the deal. Just be aware of what that something is. Sex is more than just an accessory in your wardrobe -- a sheer Cosabella thong to be effortlessly slipped off before jumping into bed.

The Lonely Heart/The Breakup Girl/ The In-Betweener

"I guess I was looking for something that would take my mind off things. I figured sex might help."

-- Marie, 34, dental hygienist, Cleveland

Sometimes it is more than just a pure desire for sex that leads you to sleep with someone you are not that into. Sometimes you're just feeling lonely or in the throes of a recent breakup. Can sex help you get over someone else? Perhaps, though it can also make things worse. Can casual sex be a positive thing while you are waiting around for the love of your life to appear? Sure, as long as the casual sex is not keeping you from finding him or leaving you to confuse the in-betweener for the real thing.

Women sleep with men for a variety of reasons that have little to do with their libido. If you're aware of this, great. Go for it. Just be prepared to deal with the consequences that may arise. But if you're looking to repair your self-esteem or exorcise the ghosts of boyfriends past through casual sex, you're probably setting yourself up for a disappointment.

Giving Men What They Want

"A dating world where I can meet attractive, smart women who are sexually aware and who will sleep with me even though they don't really want a relationship? Let me check. Ya, I think I might be able to deal with that."

-- Adam, 32, lawyer, Birmingham (Michigan)

While the conventional wisdom suggests otherwise, men are insecure and uncertain. Like women, we guys wonder whether you are into us, despite what....

Printable Version (Adobe ® Reader ® Required)

Copyright © 2005 by Ian Kerner. From the book 'Be Honest--You're Not That Into Him Either: Raise Your Standards and Reach for the Love You Deserve' by Ian Kerner. Published by HarperCollins Publishers Reproduced by permission.