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What Happened to Penny

The word "fat" became a weapon to me when I was in grade school. It was the word girls used to wound one another. And it was the worst reason for rejection from a guy. It was the ultimate and most decimating cut-down. Nobody wanted to be called fat. Not the kids who really were or the girls who never would be. "Fat" could mean a lot of things. Undesirable, messy, ugly, out of control, stupid, lazy, unpopular. Once you were called fat, it stuck with you like gum on your shoe; you might be able to get the majority of it off, but there would always be a trace of the sticky stuff there.

For girls it meant complete girl failure. I remember seeing a gaggle of prepubescent girls circle a new student named Penny, who had just blown us all out of the water with her perfect score on a spelling test. She was smart and she knew it -- a deadly combination for those of us already hating ourselves at an early age. Girls with poor self-esteem can smell confidence like dogs smell fear, and then the mission is clear: Do your best to destroy the girl in the group who actually likes herself.

And so they formed a circle around Penny one day after gym class and unleashed upon her the most devastating of offenses: "Penny is so...fat." It was simple, and it did the trick. Penny became pegged as the girl with a weight problem. The girl who was smart but fat.

The only time Penny had the chance to reverse her girl curse of being fat came when she had stayed home from school for a week because she had mono. When she returned, she had lost a lot of weight. There was no way anyone could call Penny fat without looking really lame. Penny relished her new post-sickness body for a few days, but soon she began to return to her normal self. And then the teasing resumed. Because, in the hierarchy of the preteen world, once a group finds its "fat victim," it sticks with him or her until all torment and torture are complete.

The crazy thing about this story is that I can't even tell you if Penny actually had a weight problem. Not that it really matters, anyway. But I don't remember what Penny looked like; she was just the smart new girl in class who got a perfect score on her spelling test. However, as soon as the fat blanket was thrown on her, all I remember is her embarrassment at becoming a social pariah.

Forty percent of elementary school girls are on a diet.

Thou Shalt Not Be a Fat Woman...Ever!

How old were you when you first heard the word "fat"? When did it become the very thing you designed your life around not becoming?

We are socialized early on to understand that girls should want to be slim and pretty, not fat and ugly. Seems logical, right? Who in her right mind wants to be fat and ugly? But what is missing in these descriptions are the millions of other things we can be in our lives.

Let's get smart about this. The Language of Fat is not really just about the word "fat." It starts with this word, the most emotionally recognizable word for women in this country, and it spreads into other words, into a deeper and sometimes more subtle language that can keep us from ever knowing we are speaking it.

The girls who torment other girls probably don't even realize they've been fed a steady diet of body-loathing terms in their young years on this earth. Before we understand the meaning of a word, the energy associated with the response it brings has an impact on us. The girls know that the word "fat" is just something no girl wants to be. They've probably heard their mothers say it, perhaps when getting dressed or preparing dinner. Maybe they've heard their mothers ask their fathers or stepfathers, "Honey, do I look fat in this?"

No matter how, they learned it. They mimicked it. Now they use it and they watch it get them results. They may continue to speak the Language of Fat every day and may spend their lives poking, prodding, and praying never ever to become fat themselves. Remember, the fear of being fat isn't only relegated to women with preexisting weight problems. The notion of not becoming fat occupies a lot of time and space for women of all shapes and sizes.

Becoming fat is a realistic fear for women, one that controls entire lives and millions of daily activities. This is not uncommon; all women have some sort of fear about this issue. It's almost like it's one of the Ten Commandments, or a federal law.

It's a Bonding Thing

Most likely, no one's ever told you that you don't have to speak the Language of Fat. Women bond with this language, and through the bonding we send the message that this kind of thought process and obsession is normal. We are normalizing body hatred in this country by continuing to speak the Language of Fat.

The fear of becoming fat may be irrational, but it causes you much stress in your life -- and the lives of those around you -- because you continue to speak the Language of Fat.

What does being "fat" mean to you? What does it mean in your relationships? In your career? In your family? What would happen to you if people perceived you as fat?

Decoding the Language of Fat is not rocket science. It is about listening -- to yourself and to others -- and asking deeper questions. The notion of "fat" means different things to different people. "Fat" can be a catchall phrase for many other emotions. It's much easier going through the world as a woman saying, "Ooh, I don't want to be fat," rather than, "I am frightened of being unloved or abandoned." Hearing the first of those statements, we all nod our heads in knowing approval, but at the second statement we run in the other direction -- because the poignant fear feels all too real.

Excerpted from 'Do I Look Fat In This?' by Jessica Weiner. Copyright© 2006 by Jessica Weiner. Excerpted by permission of Simon Spotlight Entertainment, a division of Simon & Schuster, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.