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Step One: Cutting the Fat

The good news is, we have power over the Language of Fat. We can dissect it, understand it, and then choose to change it so it no longer takes over our lives. The first step, though, is to recognize that you speak it. The next step is to be willing to do something about it.

• You can challenge the language by looking beyond the words and actions and into the intentions. Sometimes it is so easy to stick with the status quo and not rock the boat by asking, "Is this language really the best use of our time?" The feeling of being left out of the group is overwhelming. But we don't have to speak in surface dialogue about food, fat, or weight. There is so much more to talk about and to bond over.
• You don't have to speak the Language of Fat just because it is the predominant language.
• Keep listening.
• Language habits won't change overnight, but you can begin to change yours immediately just by being aware.

Young Girls Are More Afraid of Becoming Fat Than They Are of Nuclear War, Cancer, or Losing Their Parents

Dear Jess,
My daughter is ten and overweight. She gets teased a lot at school for being "fat" so I try not to use the word "fat" around her at home. Instead, when we talk about her weight, we talk about her not wanting to be "pudgy" or "chubby." Are those better words to use?
While I applaud Rita's effort to try to choose nondamaging words to share with her daughter, the new words she's chosen mean essentially the same thing. Just because you aren't saying the word "fat" doesn't mean you aren't passing on the fear of becoming fat. Even though Rita uses other words, they still carry the notion that there is something wrong with her daughter. Rita wants to make sure her child is not teased by others and is the healthiest little girl she can be. So she must be extra diligent in the language she uses, especially with her daughter.

We have to talk to kids in terms of inner value and not outer appearance. The most important approval for any child is from his or her parents. Fill children up with other descriptive terms: loving, witty, smart, kind, sincere, sensitive, bubbly, funny, strong, and heroic. We can never hear enough of those words.

You Are Your Toughest Critic

Worrying about any aspect of your appearance to the point where it is alienating friendships and relationships is problematic. Some of us haven't yet learned another way to communicate our needs. Incessant worrying about how you look and what other people think of you isn't vanity as much as it is a way for you to keep yourself powerless and playing the victim. When you evaluate your self-esteem and self-worth based on what others think of you or on group approval, you essentially give up anything unique and individual about yourself. You are, in fact, wasting a lot of time by focusing on approval from the outside world.

This sort of constant worrying and insecurity takes a toll on friendships. We like to have friends who can also give us something in return. Are you able to be there for your friends, or are you too busy hijacking the conversation, asking them if they think you're pretty? If I were your friend, I would want you to enjoy being the person I became friends with in the first place. And I would need you, as my friend, to be present and alert in our relationship. Consider the following:

• How much time is wasted in your life feeling insecure, needy, and focused on appearances?
• How much time is spent on enjoying your life, being with friends, and discovering more parts of you?
• How much of your time with friends is spent on asking them to reinforce your self-esteem, or on them asking you to reinforce theirs?

Perfect Doesn't Exist

People can tell you that you're the prettiest girl in the world, but that won't make you any more secure.

Who sent the memo to girls that it would be our responsibility to grow up hating how we look or worrying so much about what other people think? It shouldn't be this way, and it doesn't have to be! You can choose to no longer be tied to dieting and self-loathing. It will take courage to create another way of looking at yourself and the world, but it's worth it. No one really has a perfect life. Everyone is struggling with something in his or her own way. The answers don't lie in what you are eating or not eating or how much you are working out. The answers are not found in celeb magazines or the greener grass of Hollywood. If you don't feel like you are living the life you want, you have to be willing to do something to change that. The change won't come from an external validation or a magic diet. The world is wide open to what you have to offer. (If your sense of being unfulfilled has led to feelings of depression or hopelessness, I suggest seeking some professional help as well.)

You have to play an active part in this world by putting your time and energy into being the best version of you.

Obsession with diets and exercise programs is common among women. We feel in control when we diet, but that feeling is false and fleeting. Dieting is the biggest culprit in the Language of Fat. It starts us on a journey of shame, blame, guilt, and restriction. I do believe in finding a balance for yourself in life, where you are moving and feeding your body so that you feel strong, vital, and clear. But the ultimate goal should be clarity and peace -- not a certain size or number on the scale.

Can We Change the Subject, Please?

Dear Jess, Sometimes I want to scream!! If I hear one more beautiful woman say she is ugly or fat again, I might just hurt someone!! All of my hot, attractive girlfriends think they are ugly and fat. This is insane. It's as if they have been programmed to think like robots. None of them really believe they are pretty. Why is it like this and what can we do about it?
What are women talking about besides diet and weight loss? What else are we encouraged to discuss? Every article I read, every story on the news, every piece of advice passed between friends seems to be aimed at some way to change and shift our bodies, to take away from our mass and strength and to make us small and amenable. Sure, there's nothing wrong with wanting to be the best version of you -- but that is not the language I hear women using. I hear them berate themselves, belittle themselves, sabotage themselves -- and sometimes they don't even know it. They are just repeating what is patterned for them in their lives. And sometimes we do know it but lack the courage to break free from it. Right now the pendulum needs to swing back to talking about life in terms of feelings, emotions, and experiences, not food, fat, or weight. Women should be able to talk and bond over a range of things -- the least of which should be what they weigh.

Within our culture women are encouraged to pick apart their bodies. Entire industries are built around keeping us dissatisfied and separate from our glorious true selves. Speaking the Language of Fat is like an internalized form of slavery for women. The ideal, perfect image we strive to be is our master, and we are oppressed by the debasing thoughts, dialogue, and actions we take as we attempt to fulfill an image that doesn't really exist. It is not an attainable goal to be perfect, to be the best, the most loved, the nicest, the thinnest, the ultimate girl in the world. It's impossible. Those are fictional titles made up to sell us things, to keep us distracted from living full lives in the moment. There is no perfect woman. How many minutes of your day are wasted in slavery to the Language of Fat? Your brain is composed entirely of fat.

Excerpted from 'Do I Look Fat In This?' by Jessica Weiner. Copyright© 2006 by Jessica Weiner. Excerpted by permission of Simon Spotlight Entertainment, a division of Simon & Schuster, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.